▶ Your Answer : Some people think that students should not have art and music as mandatory, while others do not. Both side may have their own reasons to support their view. If I had to choose one, I would say that children should be required to take art and music classes. There are several reasons as follow.
To begin with, when students have art and music classes, it can help students to improve their academic performance. Studying art and music enables them to relax and recharge their batteries, while studying mandatory subjects such as math and language all day along can be exhausting. When students are recharged, they are likely to have more energy to put into studying and being active. For example, my friend Susan was in middle school that had not non-academic subject, she tended to get distracted and acted on impulse. However, after entrancing entering a high school which have art and music classes, she shows showed a longer attention span and a stronger passion in her tasks. By having non- academic subjects, it helps her to get an attention and improve her academic performance. Without having art and music classes, she would fell fall behind at a high school.
In addition, when students take art and music as mandatory, it can contributes to an increase in their overall happiness. It gives them a chance to experience something difficult from what they would do in their usual routine by expressing themselves through music instruments or paintbrushes. New experience tends to prevent them from feeling bored in school. For example, when my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine.To survive in a competitive world, she spent whole day studying all academic subjects, hoping that she could do outdo others. Fortunately, she was able to deal with such pressure and stress by playing piano in music class. She could learn how to play the pion piano and expressed her emotion through music during the music class offered which was offered as an obligatory course. If she had not had a music class , she would not have been able to escape her boring life.
To sum up, having students take art and music class promotes them to have better academic tasks and helps them to get rid of their stress. In this regard, I feel that all students should be required to study these subjects as par of the core curriculum.
예상 점수: 17-21 총평: 우선 두 문단의 내용이 너무 유사한 면이 있는 것 같아요. 첫번째 이유는 예술 활동이 에너지를 채우는데 도움이 된다는 것이지만 두번째 이유는 예술 활동이 행복을 준다는 것인데 두 이유의 차이성을 조금 더 부각해서 글을 써주시는게 좋을 것 같습니다. 현재로써는 두 이유가 너무 유사하다는 생각이 드네요. 두번째로 문법적으로는 시제를 명확하게 구분해서 과거는 과거로 써주셔야 합니다. 나머지는 크게 문제가 없었습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다.
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