▶ Your Answer : Some people think that technology has made our children get a less creativity in the past less creative. However, in In my opinion, i think that technology led for our children to less creative than in the past. There are two reasons why i think so. our children has become less creative for the following subsequent reasons (반박하는 문장과 자신의 문장이 일치하기 때문에 however가 필요없을 거 같습니다) To begin with, technology make children get passive thinking technology allows people to think passively. In modern society, technology was made lots of machines like TV, smartphone. so children receive tremendous amount of visual and acoustic information by such machines a lot of technology has made concerning with alluding people visually and auditory. It is enough to do what they watch as it is. What i mean is that children can not have a opportunity that they change what they watch into creative way to change in a creative way. For example, in Korea, there are many programs that appear a lot of number of robots that children love. so children tell their parents that they really want to get robots that emerge the programs. Just collecting these robot and just making fight them is enough to play in their palying time. To be specific, they do not think any other way to change their playing in creative method. For this reason, they can not get a time to develop their creativity. (이 예시랑 아이들이 creative하게 생각 한다와 무슨 관계가 있나요?) On top of that, technology made children play less outdoors. Because children almost watch TV or smartphone in house or other indoors. so they do not have a direct experience with nature. The knowledge of nature are rapidly decreasing has rapidly been decreased. For example, nowadays, many children do not know place where the potato grows in nature or where pineapple grows in nature. In addition, By alomst staying indoors, children can not develop their body properly. people need a moderate sunlight to get a vitamin D. But, if children do not go outside, they can not get a vitamin. So it can lead a lack of healthy body. To sum up, Because children can not develop creativity and can not play enough time in outdoors. Technology has made our children less creative.
점수: 22 일단 이 에세이를 통하여서 무슨 말을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 이해가 되지 않습니다. 이해가 되지 않는 이유중에 가장 큰 이유는 각 설명에 대한 예시나 이유들이 적절치 않는 것 입니다. 전반적으로 작성자가 독자들이 무엇을 알게 하려고 하는 것인지 모르겟습니다. 특히 각 예시들이 이유와 개연성이 없습니다. 개연성을 중점으로 두시고 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. 글자수 319
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