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Some people think that finding and making new friends is easier when we go on a trip or play group sports. However, in my opinion, Joining a club is the best way to make new friends. It can be said that doing club activity can be a great chance to find good people and make them to our friends and its advantages far outweigh the good points of making new friends while going on a trip or playing group sports. joining a club is the best way to make friends for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서 장황하게 설명할 필요 없습니다)
To begin with, it is easy to find and join the club that you want one can find a club easily (독립형 에세이에서 you를 사용하면 안됩니다 또한 이 부분에 대하여서 좀 더 설명을 하시길 바랍니다 바로 예시로 넘어가는 것 보다는 구체적으로 설명할 필요가 있습니다). For example, in many universities, there are several clubs that have charactor about music and musical perform, not just one or two orchestras music club in which people can practice not just for the orchestra. I was very interested in old music; music of middle age, Reneissance, and Baroque. The school orchestra only covered modern music which written after 1900, so I cannot joined join that orchestra. But in chamber music club, every instruments were accepted and I joined that club with full of happiness However, in chamber music club, everyone was allowed to participate. As we can see in this example, whatever you interested in, you can find the club that have charactor what you like and love. In other words, you can find the club that you like even you have minor habits. (마무리에서 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 전반적으로 이 에세이를 통해서 친구를 찾았다는 것 보다는 자신이 하고 싶었던 걸 할 수 있었다라는 것입니다. 따라서 주제를 벗어났습니다)
On top of that, all of club members have same interests as you, and you can feel comfortable when you talk among members about your thinkings. It means that almost of topics of communication are about members’ interests, and you can join their conversation easily because you might are interested in that topic too people can easily talk with others as the interest itself is same and can become more friendly. According to pf.Kim, a distinguished professor in Seoul National University (SNU) in South Korea, 88.9% of students who are joined join the club and doing their activities in that club over 1 year said that the best benefit of club activities is making to make new friends who have similar interest and hobby with them. In this example, we can know club activities can make not only normal friends that just know each other but very closed to me with same hobbies. It can be said that comfortable interaction among club members can leads you to make good friends who are have same or similar hobbies with you and they are effective way to be a great friends to you.
In conclusion, there are two benefits on club activities to making new friends; finding club what you want to join is very easy in any places, and all of club members who joined in club that you find have same or similar hobbies and interests with you. Therefore, finding club that you want and doing activities in that club leads you to make nice new friends effectively.
점수: 22 일단 독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다. 이인칭 주어가 아닌 삼인칭 주어로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 지금 첫 번째 단락을 보다보면 주제를 벗어났다라는 것을 알 수 있습니다. 친구를 만들 수 있다에 대한 에세이여야 하는데 지금 이 부분을 보면 크럽을 통해서 자신이 하고 싶은 걸 할 수 있다라는 것을 강조하고 있습니다. 따라서 주제를 벗어났습니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 필요없는 설명들이 많이 보여지는 거 같습니다. 이 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
총 445단어
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