▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that there are more important periods than one’s twenties. However, in my opinion, it is the most valuable period in a person’s whole life. It can be said that golden time of one’s life is come when he or she is twenties. twenties is the most valuable life time for the following two subsequent two reasons.
To the beginning begin with, we can do lot of things in twenties. They can earn money more than they were young, study to go to good university or college, or doing special experience such as travel what they couldn’t because they were not adults. People can earn a lot of money, study in good universities and experience valuable traveling memories. According to Jung Ang Il Bo, one of the most renowned newspaper companies in South Korea (설명이 재대로 되지 않은체 바로 예시로 넘어 갔다라는 느낌이 많이 듭니다. 구체적으로 이유를 설명하시길 바랍니다), over 88.6% of twenties feel more free to do something they want to compare to when they young and 91.2% of over age-of-30 replied twenties have to make effort to do what they want. First study shows that teenagers have passions and purpose to do something they want, but they are still young to do themselves, and second study shows that after passing twenties, they cannot make chances to do what they want. Therefore, twenties in one’s life is the most worthy time to do something they want.
On top of that, one’s twenties are the time that he or she determines what they are going to be one can decide future during twenties. Someone wants to study more and be a professor. Another people want to obtain his or her job and earn money earlier than their friends Depending on people's goal, one can choose what to do during twenties. When people became twenties, they should choose the dream what they can make possible because of the responsibility for their life. For example, one of my friends couldn’t could not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) tell me to what he really likes and what is he want to be what to become in the future. But when he and I became twenties and after both applied to university, he told me that he want to be mechanical engineer in South Korea However when he turned to twenties, he could decide the future goals of his life. This example shows that when person became twenties, they determine what kind of person do they want.
In conclusion, the twenties are most important period in one’s life in two reasons; twenties are most valuable time in one’s whole life, and they determine what they are going to be because they obtain responsibility to their life. Therefore, the most important period of one’s life is twenties in no doubt.
점수: 21 일단 제가 첨삭한 것을 보앗 듯이 지금 이 에세이에서 가장 큰 부족함은 구체적 설명입니다. 지금 이 에세이는 전반적으로 자신이 말하려고 하는 것에 대하여서 구체적인 설명이 너무 부족합니다. 설명을 하고 넘어가는 것 보다는 그냥 간단하게 터치만 하고 넘어가는 경향이 있습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적인 설명을 많이 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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