▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays people don't have access which they
doing (이 부분을 통하여서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요?). These days people have information in variety field. Of course, there
are specialists in each category. Nevertheless, people are smart and have many
knowledge. (자신의 의견이 무엇인가요? 전반적으로 인트로와 맞지 않는 거 같습니다)
It's the reason first, Internet develop To begin with internet has been developed. In
computer, people can get lots of information not only easy but also fast. Plus,
it doesn't does not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) need money to search. We have chance to expand our thinking. We also
can catch the fact what we don't know before. (전체적으로 이 단락을 통해서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요?)
For example, in the past it
was just newspaper. It took long time to spread people. But technology is
develop, it makes television. It was more faster than paper but it also has obstacle. People who don't watch news, they couldn't know topic of that day.
But now, we can meet news in smartphone. This is revolution. Because it has
many adventages. We can catch online changing very fast. And communication with
each other. It tooks people get more and more knowledge than before.
Next, science technology get develop, many
change can shown in our life. For instance, recently 'Apple' announced 'smart
watch' system quality is more great. It got new function. If users have trouble
who put on watch he's arms, doctor will give feedback. These ways, people can
acquired various ways in medical knowledge.
'My knowledge is not all'. From technology
development, people sharing their known, and that will also reach to other. Thus, modern
people are dynamic. They can know everything.
점수: 17 전체적으로 이 에세이를 통해서 무엇을 말하고자 하는 지 모르겠습니다. 인트로 부터 시작해서 결론까지 어디가 단락인지 인지하기가 어려운 에세이인거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에 명확한 구조는 인트로 단락 결론입니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 기초적인 부분이 적용 되어 있지 않는 거 같습니다. 또한 각 단락에서 무슨 말을 전달하는 지 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 자신이 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 지를 좀 더 생각하고 서술하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |