▶ Your Answer : The reality people often encounter shifts an individual’s experience. It is ironic to think an experience itself is affected by their past experiences. However, considering how the past experiences distort, transform, and misrepresent the reality people perceive. It seems clear that experiences can make differences people’s perspective. To prove one’s perspective true, one should be able to justify his or her viewpoint and overcome objections. Though many people see this issue as young people should more dependent on their parents, my perspective is young people today are less dependent on their parents because young people can have good personal traits in society such as working without parents help and without be with parents gives a chance to meet many new people from different backgrounds.
To begin with, living without allowance is one of the things that young people are less dependent on their parents. Working and earning money by themselves require them to be diligent, passionate and self-disciplined. When these personal traits are developed, it is likely to bring a better result in their life. For example, when I was in middle school, I had an allowance from my parents once a week. At that time, I didn’t know the importance of money and the value of the money. So, I spend it without thinking. However, after I did a part-time job when I was in high school, I recognized how the money precious and I did not spend money on useless things. Also, while I was working at the restaurant, I met a lot of customers so I had a courage on myself to meet new people.
In addition, less depending on parents can have a chance to meet some new people and learn how to mingle well with people from a different background. To meet new people expose young people to different lifestyles, customs, and cultures. Such exposure is likely to help them to acknowledge that different values exist, understanding this diversity and to ultimately be comfortable with other people from different backgrounds. For instance, when my father was in high school, he went global camp without his parents every vacation. Before, He participated ‘Workcamp’ he always depended on his parents when he was trying to do something and worried about to meet new people. However, after he went to work camp his personality changed to positive and active person and not afraid to meet others. This example clearly illustrated those young people who are less dependent on their parents get many good effects on their life.
Truth must settle at some point; only one perspective can survives, and the rest subsides into history. In such a case, man must ceaselessly refine his view until it is finally accepted as truth. I have corroborated on this topic that young people should less dependent on their parents in the past with to develop their good personal traits and widen their various relationships with people. It is time for a settlement.
점수: 22 인트로에서 결론까지 전체적으로 많이 장황스러운 독립형 에세이입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요하게 보는 것 중에 하나는 설득력이 있나입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 설득력이 중요한 이유는 주제에 대하여서 자신의 의견을 남에게 전달하는 것 이기 때문입니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이처럼 장황하게 되면 전달하기 어렵습니다. 따라서 좀더 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |