▶ Your Answer : A large number of people might think that government should spend more money in support of arts than athletics. In contrast to the belief, I personally believe that spending money on athletics is more beneficial for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, the healthy health has become more crucial. It is obvious that people who is are suffering from a disease has become increasingly is increasing in comparison to the past. So, the governments need to deal with this problem. For example, one incident in my country can prove my point. In the year 2015, the Korean governments have (시제를 과거형을 써주셔야합니다) announced a new plan that a number of companies should include working hours that employees can exercise. Not only that, they installed sports equipment in a park for citizens' health. The result was totally (여기서 들어가기에는 어법상 조금 어색합니다) a big success. After the implementation of this policy, people were more concerned about their health.
In addition, investing in athletics helps relieve stress and restore health. It is an (specify해주시는게 좋아요) undeniable fact that athletics allow people to be fresh, which makes them better manage stress better, maintain health and build a quality life. Stress is the main cause of disease and dissatisfying life. Therefore, people in modern society should actively find ways to reduce stress and stay healthy. For instance, when I was younger, I exercised every day. This helps me forget about the stressful aspects of my daily life such as taking exams and writing papers. Hence, the importance of funding money in athletics cannot be underestimated in order to improve the quality of life.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that the advantages of spending money on athletics than arts far outweigh its disadvantages. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been efficiently and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
예상 점수: 17-21 총평: 글을 쓰실 때 조금 불필요한 표현을 많이 쓰시는 것 같습니다. 조금 직접적으로 쓰시는게 좋을 것 같아요. 특히 어법상 맞게 단어들의 배열을 조금 신경써주셔야 합니다. 내용은 굉장히 논리적이고 개연성과 현실성이 높게 잘 써주셨고, 예시도 적절하게 잘 제시해주셧습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다.
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