▶ Your Answer :
Some people may think that children should not be allowed to play computer games because it can make children to waste their time. However, I disagree with their idea because playing computer can make children to develop their intellectual capacity and they can practive multi-tasking ability.
서론에서는 문법 틀린 부분만 수정하였습니다. make는 사역동사로, 목적격보어 부분엔 동사원형을 취합니다. 주의하시기 바랍니다.
First, children can expand their intellectual capacity. While they playing a computer game, the certain area of their brain will be activated. The activated brain allows children to develop their creativity. According to research from University of Busan, the visual area and the motor area of children's brains who were playing computer games were activated ten times more than children who were reading books. Later, the researchers asked children to solve some problems. The result demonstrated that children who played computer games solved more problems than children who read a book and most of their problem-solving methods were much creative than othr group.
본론1 에서는 컴퓨터 게임을 하면 뇌의 일부분이 활성화되어 지능이 올라간다.. 는 의도로 작성하신듯 합니다. 약간 예시가 모호한듯합니다. 문제를 단순히 많이 푼 것과 지능이 올라간 것이 어떤 연관이 있는지요? 차라리 컴퓨터 게임을 하기 전에는 별로 많은 문제를 풀지 못했으나, 컴퓨터 게임을 하고나서 많은 문제를 풀 수 있게 되었다.. 라고 하시는게 더 논리적일 듯 합니다.
Second, children can be better at multi-tasking if they play computer games. While they playing computer games, they have to see the screen and move their fingers at the same time. It can be helpful for children to practice different tasks at the same moment. For example, when I went to medical camp for children, I had to play a variety of computer games one hours a day for seven days. Teachers of the camp told the reason why they ask us to play computer games to the participants of the camp. The reason was playing computer games helps people to train their body to more precisely cooperate for detailed taskings. Furthermore, it was one of the training methods for doctors who practive surgery.
본론2에서는 멀티태스킹을 하게 되어 게임을 하는 것이 좋다.. 라는 의도로 작성하신듯 합니다. 한가지만 더 추가하자면 이게 왜 시간낭비가 아닌지를 설명해주셔야할듯 합니다. 즉, 멀티태스킹이 왜 좋은지? 왜 이것이 시간낭비가 아닌지를 설명하셔야 주제에 더욱 부합하는 글이 될 것 같습니다.
In conclusion, children can be more creative and practice multi-tastking skiils when they are playing computer games. For these reasons, I disagree with the statement that playing computer games hinder children to use their time effectively.
분사구문을 자주 사용하시는 것은 좋으나, be 동사를 생략하는 실수를 하신듯합니다. 주의하시기 바랍니다.
전체적으로 무난한 글이나, 약간의 논리를 더 보완하시고 에세이 작성을 마치신 후에 반드시 검토하시는 시간을 가지시기 바랍니다. 이를 통해 사소한 문법실수를 줄여나가는 것이 좋을 듯합니다. |