▶ Your Answer :
Some people
might say that it would be better for the government would be better to spend money on universities rather
than to spend money on the education for very young children in order to better develop a country better. They believe that a university is the best
educational institute in the country. However, in my opinion, it is better for
government to invest in education for children rather than to do for university
students. There are two reasons for my statement.
First,
the effectiveness of an education is higher in childhood than in adulthood.
This is because people develop their own identity, value, and personality in
their childhood. Once these are developed and established, it is hardly changed
in one’s whole life and they come to be conservative as they get older and
older. There is a study conducted by Korean Educational Psychology Institute
with 100 elementary school students and 100 university students in order to
determine their openness toward the world. All of them were asked to answer
questions about controversial issues such as immigration two times, before
watching videos related to the issues and after watching them. Before watching
the videos, most of the whole respondents had negative views in the controversy.
However, after watching the videos, most elementary school students came to
change their own view positively, while most university students hardly change
their point of view.
Second,
education in early age is much more efficient than education in university in
terms of economy. This is because investments in a university education require
a huge number of costs compared to the investments in childhood education. The
investments for university usually include costs for better faculty (시설에 대한 부분은 대학으로만 한정짓기는 애매하기 때문에 빼는 것이 나아보입니다.), research,
equipment for experiment, library, facilities, and so on. In contrast, it would be relatively cheap take relatively cheap costs to invest in education for children. Take an example
of instructors for children and in university. We need three times more
expensive costs to hire a professor than to hire an instructor for children.
Therefore, we can make take more profits with less costs in education for children.
To sum
up, the effectiveness of an education is higher in childhood than in adulthood
and education in early age is much more efficient than education in university
in terms of economy. For these reasons, it is better for government to invest
in education for children rather than to do for university students.
총평: 전반적으로는 매우 잘 쓰인 글이라고 볼 수 있을 것 같습니다. 일단 문법 오류가 비교적 적었고, 특히 본론 첫 번째 문단은 상당히 깔끔했어요. 굳이 아쉬운 점을 꼽자면 본론 두 번째 문단에서 예시가 딱히 근거에 대한 구체적인 추가 설명을 하기보다는 앞에 나와있는 말을 그대로 반복하고 있다는 느낌이 더 강해서 수정이 필요하다는 점 정도일 것 같습니다. 그래도 고득점이 기대되는 좋은 글이었어요. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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