▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly for young children, (쉼표가 없으면 의미 전달이 되지 않습니다.) being helpful to others, being honest, being well organized are all important values to be shared before they grow up. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that the most important value to share with a young child is being helpful to others especially to kid ages in 5 to 10. There is a reason as follows. To begin with, a kid who has was shared the value of being helpful to others become more confident and try to help people by using his abilities ability. Also, he can improve his ability through many experiences. For example, my cousin Ester was very lazy and postponed everything. However, she has changed little by little after she helped take care of her neighbor’s dog such as dog walker. Because she did not want to let the dog down She doesn’t want to let the dog down, she started to make her schedule to walk with the dog without tardiness. By helping Helping her neighbor’s dog walking, Ester was proud of herself and got confident. Moreover, she volunteered to help other dogs in her neighborhood. As she got more experience with the dogs, she improved her ability as a dog walker. Without learning how she could can be helpful to others, she might have been a lazy girl. All things considered, I strongly believe that being helpful to others is the most important value to share with a young child who is 5 to 10 than any other one, such as being honest or being well organized for the reason I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of being helpful to others cannot be underestimated for a young child.
총평: 주장에 대한 근거를 잘 집어주셨는데, 문제는 근거가 딱 하나라는 점입니다. 글의 설득력을 높이기 위해서 근거를 하나 더 추가해주시고 본론 문단을 하나 늘려주세요. 또한 이에 따라 시간이 부족해질 수 있으므로 현 본론 문단은 조금 줄여주시면 되겠죠. 이때 줄여야하는 내용은 바로 예시입니다. 예시 자체는 적절하지만 너무 불필요한 사족이 많기 때문에 여기를 위주로 잘라내면 됩니다. 수고하셨습니다 :) |