▶ Your Answer :
These
days, a lot of people are insisting that children should treat only mainstream
subjects such as math, history, science, and language. However, I think
children should have art and music as mandatory school subjects along with
math, history, science, and language because of their academic skills and
growth.
To begin with, learning subjects like art and
music contributes to other main subjects such as math. There is a report about
children who learned music and art as a mandatory subject in in mandatory school got better score in
their language, math classes. (이렇게만 적고 끝나면 사실 맨 처음 문장과 별 다를 게 없어요. 뒤에 파란색으로 표시해드린 내용과 같이 설명이 있어야 이 통계가 의미가 있습니다.) Since this research points out that all of the
subjects are linked, I think having an art and music class in school is
reasonable. Furthermore, it has an advantage of growing curiosity and
ingenuity. As listening to myriad of music and watching creative drawings can
lead children to have their own ingenuity, which can help to easily learn other
subjects.
On top of that, children can also grow
mentally (이거랑 직업의 다양화는 얼핏 보기에는 연관성을 찾기가 조금 어렵습니다. 더 자세한 설명을 해주시던가, 바꿔주실 필요가 있어요.) by learning art and music as mandatory school subjects. For the
biggest reason, getting close with a lot of artistic entertainments can give
children opportunities about diversity of job. They can get a broader sight
about selecting jobs since they have a chance to learn those entertainments
during school. Moreover, having art and music as a mandatory school subject can
relief their academic stress. (여기가 훨씬 더 mental growth 와 관련이 있네요.) In fact, when Korea made a policy about making
art and music essential subject in mandatory school, the statistic about
children's stress degree showed sharp decrease. This demonstrates having art
and music as a mandatory school subject can help children's mental health.
To sum up, I agree with the opinion that art and music should to be a
mandatory school subjects along with math, history, science, and language. It
not only helps children to get more focused on mainstream subjects but also
attributes to their mental health and growth.
총평: 일단 본론 두 번째 문단의 경우 핵심 내용이 두 가지입니다. 딱 하나만 꼽아주시고 이에 집중해서 문단을 작성해주세요. 지금의 경우 직업 부분을 없애주시고 스트레스 관련 부분에 더 투자해주시면 돼요. 마찬가지로 본론 첫 번째 문단도 예시로 들어주신 report 에 관해서 보충 설명을 해주셔야 합니다. 이렇게 해주셔야 글이 설득력있다고 평가받을 수 있습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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