■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : Do you agree of disagree with the following statement? Children in the past were more independent on their parents than those now. |
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▶ Your Answer :
I agree with this statement. I think now, people
have better financial conditions than before, and it affects the way parents spend
their time with children, moreover, children’s concept of life have also
changed. (인트로가 적절치 않는 거 같습니다. 전형적인 인트로는 훅과 상대방의 의견이 꼭 들어가야합니다)
First of all, as economic situation of the country
has been increased, current parents are generally wealthier than those in the
past. They can earn more money by less working than before, so they can invest to
their children financially and spend more time with children than in the past. For example, In the past, It was
rare to be given pocket money from parents after children become over 20year
old, but now, almost every children are given it, because their parents afford to
it that means current children are relying in their parents more than in the past (이 문장이 너무 장황하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 이해가 되지않습니다). .
Second, current people have more interest
in their own life, so they want to enjoy their life and they care about
themselves more than those in the past, eventually, the average age of marriage
has been increased, it means children’s dependency age is also increased. In
the past, the average age of marriage was about 24-25, and they usually have baby
right away, but now it increased to about 29-30, and even though they get married,
they don’t want to have a baby early, therefore the amount of time of spending with
each other was extended and they are more likely to keep their ‘parents-children’
relationships longer by putting off having a baby.
In conclusion, because current parents can afford
more than those in the past and the average age of marriage has been increased,
I think children in the past is more independent than those now.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이의 문제점은 문장들이 끝이 보이지 않습니다. 이렇게 문장을 서술하다 보면 전반적으로 장황하다라는 것을 느끼게 됩니다. 장황하게 에세이를 서술하다 보면 전반적으로 이 에세이가 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 잘 이해가 되지 않게 됩니다. 따라서 좀 더 잘 서술하기 위해서는 문장을 간결하게 서술하는 것을 중점을 두 면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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레벨 3가 목표여용...글구 전 왤케 문장이 안끊어지구 이어질까요...