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It is debatable whether parents should avoid letting children watch television in order to encourage them to study hard. This is an intriguing question because opinions considering this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. However, in my opinion, I disagree with the idea for two reasons. To begin with, watching TV can ease children’s stress. Nowadays, many children spend a lot of time studying so they get high grade but also a ton of stress. If children watch television they could relieve stress because it contains funny programs. Therefore, they will be able to study more efficiently. I will give my personal experience as an example. When I was 13 years old, I used to study for five hours every day, which was very hard task for an elementary student. Thus, I was always tired but there is the reason that I can endure that hard work was that my mother allowed me to watch television after studying. (이 문장의 맥락이 이해가 안 갑니다) If she did not allow me to watch TV, I would have not put up with severe study time. On top of that, some television programs affect children’s score. Many people think that TV does not contain instructive programs for children, but it has so kids can acquire great deal of information and knowledge. For example, there was a survey conducted by National Association for Children Education with 300 smart elementary students who always get high score as respondents. The purpose of this survey was to understand whether they are learning most knowledge from TV and it gives impact on their grade. Undoubtedly, 97% respondents replied ‘yes’. This proves TV has not only bad effect but also has educational impact. To sum up, watching television is a good way for children to refresh their minds. Moreover, children can learn lots of knowledge from educational TV programs. In this regard, I disagree with the statement that parents have to restrict their children from watching television for their study. | |
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문법이 어색한 부분들이 몇 군데 있습니다.
충분한 검토로 해결될 문제들이라고 생각됩니다.
그리고 두 번째 바디 문단 topic sentence는 부정적인 뉘앙스를 띠고 있으므로,
enhance 등의 positive connotation을 가진 단어들로 교체해주세요~!
수고하셨습니다. *^^*