▶ Your Answer :
Most people think that, since we have used a car everyday, it would be same in the future as the present. However, I believe that there will be much fewer automobiles on the road than there are today in twenty years. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essays. for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, cutting-edge engineering technology will allow people to invent new-style cars which is far faster and able to accommodate more people at once than that of today. To prevent too many vehicles being on the street, cars need to be to become more efficient and rapider than those of nowadays. As a breakthrough for this, ABC, one of the most innovative automobile companies in the world, announced that they invented a car which can convey twice as many people as the previous one at once. Also, this is able to fly through the sky so that it will dramatically ease the traffic congestion. On top of that, thanks to the rapid internet system, people would be able to work at home without riding any transportation. Nowadays, most people do their works using computers and mobile devices. This means that they do not actually need to commute to the company. In fact, lots of firms have already adopted this style of working and have shown that it really works for reliving the traffic jam. To further illustrate my standpoint with an example, I would like to a research conducted by New York university. Studies have shown that, as the internet services have been allowed to use to individuals become easier to access, the number of companies in Newyork city, which started to let their workers working at home, has greatly increased. Not only that, they indicate that, thanks to this, the congestion during the rush hour in Newyork city has extremely diminished. To summarize what I mentioned above, I am for the notion that, twenty years later, there would be less cars on the road than there are today. Therefore, nothing in mind casts doubt in my resolute standpoint regarding given statement.
점수: 25 양간의 어색한 표현과 문법적인 오류들이 있습니다. 이러한 부분들은 에세이로 하여금 전체적으로 플로우를 방해하게 합니다. 플로우가 방해를 받게 되다 보면 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어려워 집니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분들을 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분들을 재외하면 전체적으로 자신의 정보를 잘 전달하는 에세이입니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |