▶ Your Answer :
These
days, many children play sports for competition not for fun. It is debatable
whether it is good decision for children to play sports for competition.
However, in my opinion, children should play sports for fun not for competition.
This is because of following reasons for the following subsequent two reasons.
To
begin with, sports are for health and exercise. Competition will give them only
a stress and will make them unhappy. Without competition, they can just enjoy
playing sport with their friends. Children can get a healthy body by exercising
and moving their body. They will sweat, and it is helpful to release their
stress from studying. As the statement “wellness is the healthy state of mind
and body”, if their minds are happy then they will be healthy people will be happy (if가 나오고 그 다음 문장에서는 then이 나오면 안됩니다). For example, a
university researched about what are PE teachers thinks about playing sports.
According to the result, 95% of teachers think sports are for health and for
fun (좀 더 예시를 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다 왜 체육 선생님이 이렇게 생각을 가지게 되었는지를 구체적으로 설명하시길 바랍니다).
On
top of that, competition in sports is not fair. This is because each of Each (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다) children
has different body type. Some are bigger than others. On the other hand, some
are smaller than others. Of course, children who are bigger and stronger play
sports better than others. Children who are bigger can run faster than others.
Also, children who are stronger can use their power to win the game. They will
always win in the game. For instance, when I watch the wrestling game, I see
bigger and stronger guys always win the game winning the game. Also, in wrestling, they fight
with someone who has similar body type with them for the fair game.
To
sum up, I believe children should play sports for fun rather than for
competition because sport is for health and exercise. Also, competition is not
fair for children. So I strongly agree that children should play sports for
fun.
점수: 24 일단 첫 번째 단락에서는 예시를 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다 왜 체육 선생님이 이러한 견해를 가지게 되었는 지를 상세하게 서술하면 더 구체적이고 내용이 알찬 구성으로 이뤄지게 될 거 같습니다. 두 번째 단락같은 경우는 너무 also로 시작하는 문장들이 많습니다 이러한 문장은 좋은 구조를 가진 문장이 아닙니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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