▶ Your Answer : Some people think that having a part-time job is beneficial for a teenager. However, in my opinion, it is not positive to teenage students to have part-time jobs because students do not would not be able to concentrate on class, and owners do not consider (무엇에 대한 고려인지 본론 문단을 참고해서 조금 더 구체적으로 적어주세요.) teenager workers. To begin with, teenage students who work could not focus on teacher's lectures. They slept at class time sleep during class (일단 표현상으로는 이게 맞는데, 이와 더불어서 '일을 하느라 피곤해서' 등의 설명이 추가되어야겠죠.). I talk about the experience of my friend as an example. He had have a part-time job at the convenient store. He slept every morning class. (여기 역시 위와 마찬가지이겠고요.) Thus, his grade falls fell down, so he quit his a part-time job and took classes take a class seriously. As a result, his grades were able to could increase. On top of that, the labor market do does not have ethics about teenagers and do not care. Many teenagers could not get their wage from owners. For example, ll there was survey conducted by Korea University in 2018 with 200 high school students as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the wage of teenage students. What they found was intriguing. The majority of respondents said that they do not be paid appropriately. An overwhelming 77% had responded that they received an hourly wage just under 7,000 won since owners broke the government's the minimum wage system. Our countries's minimum wage is 8,350 won. To sum up, when teenager students work part-time, they cannot should focus on their school life and could not be paid appropriately. In this regard, I firmly think that having part-time jobs is not positive point for teenagers.
총평: 본론 두 번째 문단의 설문의 경우는 아무런 의미를 가지지 못합니다. A 를 설명하기 위해 '설문에서 A라고 했다' 라고만 적는 것은 효과가 전혀 없어요. 저 부분이 보다 효율적으로 전개가 되려면, 문단 초반부에 적어주신 근거와 연계를 지어주셔야겠죠. 즉 사장들이 청소년 아르바이트생들에 대한 도덕 의식 등이 따로 없어서 그들에게 적절한 임금을 지불하지 않았다~와 같은 내용이 동반되어야 합니다. 무작정 템플릿에만 끼워맞추면 이러한 문제가 생길 수도 있으니 주의해주세요. 또한 글 전반적으로 생략된 부분 (특히 본론 첫 번째 문단에서 제가 언급해드린 피곤 관련 부분) 이 많은 편이라 뭐든지 당연하게 여기지 말고 상세한 설명을 할 수 있도록 신경써주세요~수고하셨습니다 :) |