Some people think that universities should not give the same amount of money to sport activities as they give to their libraries. However, in my opinion, universities ought to give money to their students’ athletic activities as they do give to their universities libraries for the following reasons.
First of all, sports activities help students to keep in shape. Without good health, people cannot focus on their study. These days many people suffered from their health problems. To prevent these problems, universities should support various athletic activities. For example, when I was a freshman, I was very sick. Because I had to study a lot of things different from high school, I could not take a rest or exercise. I felt had a headache all the time and it disturbed me from focusing made me cannot focus on my studying. I got a low grade at first semester and I felt depressed. Unfortunately, my headache was did not stop at next semester, and I went to see a school doctor. She said that there are a lot of students who suffred from similar pain as me, and regular exercising better than medicine for them. She advised me to take exercises and refresh myself. I started swimming, and I felt much better. As a result, after 3 months later, my headache was disappeared and even my grade was better than before. (이 예시는 조금 수정이 필요한데 자세한 건 총평에서 설명드리겠습니다.)
Moreover, sport club helps students to get involved with other people. These days, social networking has an important role for job searching. Conversation with seniors help students to get a job. For example, one of my friends Edward had a hard time for job-hunting. He was good at computer programmings, but his speech was poor and he had no internship experience. At that time, his senior of in a basketball club helped him to prepare for a job interview. He worked at the department of human resources and he knew what is important to job interview. He advised him about how to speak in front of managers, and recommended him to highlighted his computer skills. As a result, my friend was hired one of the biggest company. Without his senior’s help, he could not would not have been able to get hired. (이 문단 역시 거의 통째로 수정이 필요하겠고요. 설명은 총평에서 드릴게요.)
In conclusion, sport activities help students to maintain good health condition. Also, sport club help people to connect with other people. In this regard, I firmly believe that universities should support the same amount of money on sport programs as they give to their libraries.
총평: 아직 예시를 작성하는 법에 대해서는 미숙하신 편인 것 같습니다. 일단 두 예시 모두 공통적으로 불필요한 지방방송이 많은 편인데, 이는 시간만 잡아먹기 때문에 지우고 핵심에만 집중해주셔야 해요. 불필요한 지방방송의 예로 and I felt depressed 를 들 수 있습니다. 없어도 아무런 문제가 되지 않는데, 굳이 넣으면분량 채우기로만 인식될 가능성이 높죠. 또한 본론 두 번째 문단의 경우를 보시면, 첫 문장 이후 너무 주제와 벗어나있습니다. 문단을 전개할 때 '스포츠 클럽을 통한' 다른 사람과의 관계맺음에 집중해주셔야 논제와 알맞는 전개가 되는데, 현재 문단은 '다른 사람과의 관계맺음' 이 주가 되고 스포츠 활동은 거의 언급되고 있지 않기 때문에 오프토픽까지는 가지 않겠지만 좋은 평가를 받기 힘듭니다. 항상 주제의 핵심 표현에서 글이 새어나가지 않도록 신경써주세요. 수고하셨습니다 :)