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After the victory of capitalism over communism, indivisualism and personal identity have been the single most important component of the contemporary society. Education mainly focuses on cultivating appropriate skills and knowledge to ensure unique thought while media continously reinforces such values. Thanks to such efforts, the world today is diversified enough where everyone has his or her own opinion on every matter, usually based on the background where he oer she has been brought upon. Similarly, the given topic today can be construed in a plethora of ways. I, myself, as a part of the society, based on my background and personal belief, strongly disagree with the statement for two reasons: It is waste of money for university and time for the students in the university. (introduction이 너무 깁니다. 다음 body에서 뭘 말할건지 brief한 설명만 쓰셔도 충분합니다)
First of all, investing equal money for the sports and social activities compared to the classes and libraries could be detrimental because it ultimately decrease the quality of university and college. The university and college is the place where the student improve advanced knowledge; in other words, the students could do sports and social activities in other places. Therefore, the students expect to gain the knowledge, not enjoy the recreation. There is rooms to improve the quality of class and library; including changing comfort chair and desks, enlarging the place to study and increasing the number of principle investigator who will give their students significant support for their carrier. If the university and college invest the money for the recreational center as much as the place for studying, they could not fully satisfy the student's meet: studying.(앞에서 이미 했던 말 반복이 너무 심합니다. 했던 말 반복하기보다는 중요한 주장만 딱딱 하고 바로 다음 포인트로 넘어가는 게 좋을 거 같습니다. For example, my university, Kyung Hee University decided to build the sports center, which was a fashion of all the university in South Korea. Thus, many university student could train in the center, which led the university soccer team to gain the championship. However, the university ranking was significantly dropped for the reason that the university could not invest money for the studying; thus, the students does not prefer coming to the Kyung Hee University anymore, rather they choose another school for studying hard. The example manifestly shows my opinion. chose other school and this example supports my opinion. Moreover, the university and colledge need to focus on classes and libraries more than the sports and social activities in that it is better for the scholar career of their students. Today, the company expects their employees to be smarter in their own major if they hire the university student. Thus, studying hard on their major is essential for getting a job. If there is large investment of money for recreation center for the better campus life of university and college student, they would be severely detracted to focus on their studying. Decreased time to study by resting and playing in the newly built sports and social center in university hinders the chance to develop their own ability, which mars the speculation of students. For example, my friend, Hyosun Kim was really nice student who spend all day for completing summerizing her studying, stucking in the library. However, after university had built lots of community center, including the room for drumming and the center for drawing, there are lots of lures to her, which make her give up her studying but play all day long. Now, she could not get a job because she does not have nice speculation compared to the students in other university where the university student has nice environment for studying. Had there been no plan to build the place to play in her university, she could have gotten her job easily and been successfully building her career. (시제 맞는 부분이 하나도 없습니다) Ultimately, there is no right or wrong. However, the one thing that is definite is that with a robust of claims and apropos of evidence, anyone could acknowledge the validity of statement. Today, I have produced a claim about today's topic and effectively bolstered it with the two specific reasonings. I have thus effectively built a solid assertion where not everyone would agree to, but definitely acknowledge.
spelling오류가 굉장히 많은 편입니다. spelling이 어휘 선정을 볼 때 가장 처음으로 보는 부분인데 오류가 너무 많은 편이라서 해석이 힘듭니다. 그리고 뜻을 알 수 없는 듯한 문장들이 너무 많이 보입니다. 제 생각에는 문장 쓰기 연습을 조금 더 많이 해봐야 할 거 같고, 추가로 formal한 글들 많이 읽어보는 것도 도움 될 것 같습니다. |