▶ Your Answer : The majority of people in their early to mid-twenties are under the illogical and stereotypical assumption that colleges and universities should not receive financial support for sports and social activities same as classes and libraries and they are not important just as classes and libraries. This notion, however, dose not reflect the stance that I hold and should be thought about in a different lights. I believe that it is important for universities and colleges to should receive financial support to sports and social activities same as classes and libraries because they enable students to getting job opportunities and enriching their life style. First, it is essential to think about getting job opportunities. This is because it has been a topic on various social network websites such as Facebook and Twitter, with people holding different opinions. Last May, I was highly active on Twitter and I encountered heated online dicussions. Initially, I thought that sports and social activities were not important just as classes and libraries at universities and colleges and equal financial support for sports and social activities would not need. (and가 여러번 쓰일 때에는 똑같은 토픽안의 단어여야 합니다. 예를들어 pizza and chicken 이라고 해야하지, pizza and economics이렇게 아예 다르게 가면 안됩니다) However, upon further reflection, my interest on this topic increased, which led me to read relevant tweet feeds. According to the feeds, a lot of poeple thought that if people didn't focus on sports and social activities, companies would think that they were not good at team work.(아무 설명 없이 company가 나오는건가요? job opportunity이야기보다 background이야기가 한문장정도는 더 있어야 합니다) This was quite an issue for them since it made them difficult to get a job at corporations like Google and Microsoft. This was enough to change my initial thought, and I learned that it was important that universities and colleges should receive financial support to sports and social activities same as classes and libraries in order to getting job opportunities Second, another important point that should be brought up is enriching lifestyle. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in Korea published an online editorial in The Korean Herald last Tuesday which claims that sprots and social activities at universites and colleges were important just as classes and libraries in order to enrich lifestyle. His study was particularly interesting because it supported my view. The survey claimed that 62 percent of 200 young Korean professionals in their early to mid-twenties preferred sports and social activities that would make them more healthy physically and mentally as the most preferred way of enriching their lifestyle ( after hard day at class ). The paradigm shift encouraged people to think that enriching lifestyle was most important. I thought of this report because the results of the survey resonated with my thoughts.
summary와 consequently이거 두개 띄워놓지 말고 함께 작성해주세요 To sum up, I believe that it is important that universities and colleges should receive financial support to sports and social activities same as classes and libraries because they enable students to getting job opportunity and enriching their life style: getting job opportunities and enriching life style. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated in that it can kill two birds with one stone for reasons I have mentioned above.
중간에 문장을 이해할 수 없는 부분이 꽤 많이 보입니다. 문법이나 문장적인 오류가 계속해서 보이는 편입니다.이에 대해서는 전체적인 proof reading하는 방법을 공부하거나, 문장을 많이 써보는 등 꾸준한 연습이 많이필요할 것 같습니다. |