▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that their life style became more easier and comfortable than the
one their grandparents had gone through when they are young, while others do
not. Both may have their own reasons to support their views. If I have to
choose one, I would say that my lifestyle is much better than my grandparents'
lifestyle in terms of its ease and comfortableness. This is because I can study
better by the computer and become easier to contact with my family and friends
through the cell phone.
To
begin with, (여기 앞에 there are a lot of remarkable inventions which changed people's lives. 문장 넣어주었다면 훨씬 좋았을 거 같아요) the invention of computer makes children study more efficiently than
the past. When my grandparents were young, reading book was the only way to
study. However the book has the physical limitation to deliver information.
For example, my sister has studied Chinese language by watching Youtube. When
she has a question or want to receive a modification of pronounce, she can meet
the her Chinese teacher with webcam. This way was the one my grandparents had
never imagined, when they learned foreign language.
In
addition, cell phone enables childrens to contact with their families and
friends better than before. In the past, wired phone was the only way that
parents could contact to their childrens. This means that children should had
been some place that there was an wired phone. For example, my nephew got lost in the way to get back home a few yeas ago. As soon as his parents recognized it,
they immediately activated the positional tracking system of my nephew's cell
phone. In 30 minutes, they could find him very easily. Children 은 이미 복수이기에 s안붙이셔도 됩니다. (information도 마찬가지)
In
a nutshell, computer has provided more efficient way to study to people these
days. Furthermore, people can contact to each other more conveniently with cell
phone than the past. In this regard, people became to enjoy easier and
comfortable life with machine than time when their grandparents were
young.
전체적으로 주장이 약간 약한 것 같습니다. 제가 봤을 때 조금만 더 자세하게 설명하거나, example더 써주시면 훨씬 좋을 것 같은데 약간 아쉽습니다. 또, 어휘를 잘 쓰시다가도 오류 나오는 부분이 많이 보입니다. 제 생각에는 어휘 공부 할 때 어휘만 공부하는게 아니라 그 어휘를 사용해서 문장 만들기 이런 공부 함께 하시면 훨씬 도움될거라 생각합니다. 또, 문장 쓸 때, 꼭 다시 한번 읽어보면서 앞뒤 문장이랑 잘 연결되는지, 이상하게 중복되는 부분은 없는지 확인해주세요 |