▶ Your Answer There are many things to make one’s life better, not to mention, food, housing and cloth but people still need to include other important things such as clement natural environment, artistical programs, sport games and such and such. Of those things, some people think that the government should spend more money to support artistic programs. However, I strongly believe that it is most important to use extra money to improve the environment for two reasons which I will explore in the following essay. To begin with, the environmental problem makes people’s health worse than ever. For example, fine dust has been getting serious every year. It is difficult to do activities outside these days because of the dust. What I do first in the morning is to check the weather forecast to know the quality of the air. Last winter, one day, I got a pain in the neck, I went to an ent clinic, I just found a long line there and I had to wait for over an hour to see a doctor. I had never seen such a scene before.(모두가 같은 symptom을 보였다, 모두가 비슷한 병을 앓고 있는 듯 하였다 하는 말을 넣어주어야, 여기서 흐름이 자연스럽습니다) Further more, almost every family has the air purifier at home which we did not need in the past. Therefore, people spend much more much on the problems of polluted air, however, what make matters worse, more people are getting sicker. Secondly, the environment issue is not only a problem domestic but globally. As we see the serious news every part of the world such as glacier melting, dead animals which found plastics in the bodies and people damaged by polluted water. A few months ago, there was an important global conference in Korea on the issue of environment hosted by UN and many advanced countries. The most important point, according to the report of the conference, was that our planet is now at the edge of terminal stage. Without any immediate and appropriate action to be taken from all the countries in the world, it would not be solved. Therefore, the Korean government also should take this problem into account and fully support to prevent the worse situation. (이 paragraph는 뭔가 주장이 아니라, UN에서 한 말을 그대로 가져다 쓴 것 같아 아쉽습니다 아예 다른 주장을 쓰던가, 아니면 UN에서 한 말에서 한단계 더 나아갔다면 좋았을 거 같습니다
To sum up, more people are getting sick because of the bad environment and the environmental problem is an issue of the world to be taken seriously. In conclusion, I strongly argue that the Government should spend more money to improve the environment.
잘 쓰셨는데 중간 중간에 약간 흐름이 이해가 가지 않는 부분이 보여서 아쉽습니다. 그 부분에 대해서는 Proof reading이나 이 부분에 대한 설명이 조금 더 있었다면 좋았을 거 같습니다.
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