▶ Your Answer :
Today, lots of mobile phones are existing. (What is the intention of writing this sentence?) Samsung, Apple, Xiaomi… Numerous brands are showing up their new product., and According to the news, approximately more than 80% of people all around the world are possessing their cell phones. As the mobile era begins, some people assert that the mobile phone gives us more freedom. However, in my opinion, mobile phones are more likely to restrict the restriction of our life. I feel this way for the two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.
To begin with, the Social Media Network, as known as SNS, is too much popular. (So that?) In the SNS, almost everyone shows their life. People want to show their life and want others to respect them. Therefore, they sometimes spend over-budget, to display their financial power. (Do you mean boast?) In addition, according to the article from “Josun-Ilbo”, by looking at the social influencer, some people feel they are the loser. Although they are very common people, they just look at the social influencer, who has lots of money or who is very beautiful, and think they want to be like them are below others. This means that the development of the mobile phone makes more restrictions on people. People don’t allow them to be the loser in the SNS, and they control themselves more strictly.
On top of that, people can call each other easily. (Unclear idea) We can call each other whenever and wherever we are. This might seem an advantage of the cell phone, however, it means that you are not free from other people. For example, my friend was raised by stern parents. is in a very strict house. Her mom calls her more than two times per every hour, to ask where she is and what she is doing. Also, when she hangs out with me until 11 pm, then her mom calls her at least six times during the day per hour, like one time per ten minutes! When she doesn’t get her mom’s call, then she will be punished for that. (How?) As you can see in this case, calling can be a limitation to people.
To sum up, we can easily call others to limit them, and the Social Media Network could be redemption to us. For these reasons, I firmly believe that the era of the mobile phone brings us a brought a limitation, not freedom.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 2
| 2 | 2 | Score | Limited 10-17 |
- 인트로 영역에서 많은 핸드폰이 존재한다는 말보다는 다양한 브랜드가 많이 있다로 언급해주시는 것이 좋아요.
- loser는 informal한 문장이므로, feel inferior등으로 대체해주시는 것이 좋겠습니다. - influencer들을 보는 것이 어떠한 점에서 restriction인지를 구체적으로 설명해주셔야 합니다. - 두 번째 내용은 엄격한 가정에서 자란 사람들에게만 해당되는 느낌이 강하게 듭니다.
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