Famous athletes and entertainers deserve a large amount of money.
agree
Most people are inclined to jobs with high salaries. However, being athletes or entertainers can be quite different. Nevertheless, I firmly hold that famous athletes and entertainers deserve a large amount of money. First, the (대소문자 구분) amount of money indicate their values and efforts. Second, it is attributable to the fact that it can be helpful to improvement of those fields.
To begin with, most athletes and musicians are trained for their whole lives. They give up everything including having meals and playing with friends. Thus, when they begin to be popular among people, They deserve an enormous amount of money. As you know, other pleasures of life can be filled by having enough money. In this sense, they can be compensated by money. For example, my grandfather was a soccer player. When he was young, he usually trained for 15 hours a day alone without friends. He even entered the camp of training center and left his family for a while. A few years later, he was scouted by a prestigious team and became a famous player. Furthermore, he began to receive sublimely high salaries. Then he enjoyed his life having cars and going traveling with enough money in free seasons. (go를 굳이 넣고 싶다면 going으로 써야겠지만 없어도 무방합니다)
To explain, arts and sports are not related to money directly. It is attributable to the fact that its purposes are entertaining people and showing their performances. However, numerous trainees having talents give up their dreams for this reason. To prevent it, we have to give famous athletes and entertainers money. Then other people will challenge to be a star like them. Moreover, it can be a critical drive to a person. For example, my friend really wanted to be a singer. However, his family was about to go bankrupt with serious financial states. He did not give up and practiced hard with his goals related to having enormous amounts of money. He was confident because a lot of people became a star and had a lot of money after endless practices. After a few years, he started to earn money by his own songs, and then had a contract with a popular company.
To sum up, famous athletes and entertainers deserve a large amount of money. First, the (대소문자 구분) amount of money indicate their values and efforts. Second, it is attributable to the fact that it can be helpful to improvement of those fields.
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1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. 문법은 대체적으로 깔끔한 편입니다.
3. 동어 반복이 상당히 자주 일어나고 있습니다.
money (-> wealth) 같이 특정 단어가 굉장히 많이 나옵니다.
동의어와 대명사를 적극적으로 활용하셔서 동어 반복을 줄여주세요.
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