▶ Your Answer :
An increasing number of people are
convinced that when making a vital decision, people should ask for others'
advice to avoid suffering from consequences due to arbitrary decisions.
However, in my point of view, it is more reasonable to determine on my own when
it comes to a critical moment, as I know myself better than anyone else, and
one should be fully responsible for himself or herself.
To begin with, one understands his or her
own preference and strength deeper and better.(무슨 뜻으로 작성한건가요? paragraph의 첫문장 치고 의미가 조금 중의적입니다.) People should be mindful of what
they love the most instead of following a trend or expectation of others. (이렇게 주장 supporting detail이 별로 안 나온 상태에서 예시가 나오면 주장 흐름이 중간에 끊기는 듯 합니다)For example, my friend Julie was in love with a man called Mike who is 10 years
older than her. They both take their relationship very seriously and decided to
marry each other. Therefore, in spite of opposition from Julie's parents and
family, they married and were very happy about their decisions ever since.
Thanks to making their commitment following their own feelings rather than
obeying secular norm, Julie and Mike finally got to marry their true love.
On top of that, it is essential to be fully
accountable for one's own decisions. Otherwise, people can easily attribute
their failure to external factors. Take Steve Jobs as an example, he once was a
student of an art school and pursued his passion for Indian philosophy that led
him to travel all the way to India. However, he ended up realizing that
establishing developing a new computer model was his dream and passion, which
became a revolutionary success. What we can learn from his story is that he was
always following his passion and finally paved his own way to success.
To conclude, since people know themselves
best and should be totally responsible for their own choices, everyone is
supposed to make their decisions independently with discretion. In this regard,
I am against the statement that a person is bound to make big decisions with
the help of others.
두번째 main paragraph 전체적인 설명 아주 좋습니다. 흐름도 괜찮고, 스티브 잡스 예시도 적절한 편입니다. 마지막 conclusion에서 주장 설명할 때 조금 더 적극적으로 paraphrase했다면 훨씬 좋았을 것 같아요. 중간 중간 의미를 이해 못 하겠는 문장이 있습니다. 약간 문장을 길게 쓰려다 보니 앞과 뒤가 잘 맞지 않는 것 같은데 지금 단계에서는 문장 짧게 적어도 좋으니 뜻이 제대로 전달될 수 있도록 적는 게 중요할 듯 합니다 |