▶ Your Answer : Some people say working to a long-term job is helpful in your life. It is beneficial that you can become professionals faster in your major. However, in my opinion, I think people should experience various occupations before getting long-term job. Let me explain why I think this way. 전체적으로 문장이 많이 가벼운 느낌입니다. 구어체가 많이 쓰이는 듯 한데, 전체적으로 조금 무게감있게 쓰는 게 좋을 듯 합니다 First, Trying a myriad of experience is valuable opportunities for you. If you enter the company for long-term job, you have to work narrow subject associated with your company. In the long run, it is not helpful for your life. You might lower chance of getting various experience when you commit to long-term job. 중간에 줄은 왜 띄운 건가요? paragraph가 바뀐 게 아니라면 이렇게 띄워서 적지 않아야 합니다. For example, I will talk about my friend 'Tom' to explain my point. Towas working at design company when he graduated at high school. He had to work about only design. So he said I regret to enter the company so fast that I couldn't any experience for my interest. Second, You can get easily long-term job through several different occupation. The company prefer to people who have a wide array of career. This is because they tend to show get higher creativity and better thought. For instance, a survey conducted by S company is a good example of this. The majority of respondents replied that they took different kind of job before entering their company. An overwhelming 70% responded that that experience was helpful for getting long-term job. This survey proves that working at diverse occupation is helpful for getting long-term job. 지금 전체적으로 어휘와 나머지 문장이 잘 맞지 않는 부분이 있습니다. 영작 연습 많이 선행되어야 합니다. 그리고 어휘 외울 때 어휘의 용법도 같이 외워줘야 합니다 For these reason, I believe that people should try out several different occupations before commiting long-term job. 이렇게 에세이 주제를 다시 말하는 것은 의미가 없습니다. 나의 주장 설명이 들어가야 합니다. (paraphrase+ summary) |