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그러나 본론2가 내용은 좋으나 전개가 약간 어색합니다
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┼ ▨ 푸른소나무님 고생이 많으십니다. 제꺼좀 봐주세요. - MyFriend's ┼
│ In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
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│ There have been lots of arguments about the effects of developing more lands in my country. Some people insist that more and more lands should be developed for the further economic advances while others argue we must prevent(=> preserve or protect) the nature, the God’s blessing, from being damaged by developing them. Actually, since people first began farming, developing lands has given economic(=> 생략) richness to human beings. From my point of view, however, more lands must be preserved in my country because developing lands not only destroy historic remains but also take (away) our rights to live in clean nature away. ( 서론 잘 쓰셨습니다)
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│ Since 50 years ago, many natural lands have been changed into houses and factories in my country. These changes cause our economy to grow rapidly. At the same time, it is an unfortunate truth(=>fact) that many historic relics have been destroyed in the process of developing lands. GOOUIDONG, a historic site of BAEKJAE which is one of the strongest(=> excellent) ancient dynasties in Korea, was varied(=> changed) into huge housing complex in 1980s. Then we can never see the relics again. Shortly, I’m very against the idea of developing more lands because I want to show historic relics to my sons and grandsons.(unity가 잘 이루어졌습니다)
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│ It is true that many social problems, such as housing or economical problems, will be increasing if we do not developing more lands. On the other hand, we can get the most significant source, or ‘the clean nature’, if we preserve our natural lands. For example, Green Belts, the preserved areas for conservation of nature, provide us fresh air, dense forests, and refreshing places. One survey on a TV program says that 50 percent of SEOULITES goes to Green Belts once a month and they take a good rest in the fresh air. The fresh, clean nature is necessary to modern citizens, so I am convinced that the lands in my country must be preserved.( unity는 비교적 잘 되었는 데 연결어 사용이 약간 어색합니다)
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│ To summarize, developing lands is necessary for economic growth, but historic remains and clean nature are also as important as economy. So I strongly support the idea that there is more need for land to be left in my country.
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