▶ Your Answer : Some people think that modern people do not have any interests in fashion. However, in my opinion, I think that people focus on their appearance and clothes because it is effective to release their stress and (두 번째 이유는 뭣을 말하려고 한건가요?? 짤린 거 같습니다)
First and foremost, people can release their stress by concentrating on their appearance. Today, many people are weary with too much stress. However, by shopping clothes or going to massage shops, they are content with their nicer appearance and temporarily forget about the demading tasks from their jobs. My personal experience can be used to prove my point. Every morning, I have to get through traffic congestion to go to work and read countless documents. To make matters worse, I get exhausted to coping with my subordinates and bosses. Hence, as a way to relieve my stress, I regularly go to department store. This is because, whenever I buy nice clothes, my feelings become relaxed. Also, I usually go to spa for my skin. After spa, I am really satisfied with my better skin. Thus, it is really effective to invigorate my moods. For this reason, people care their appearance and fashion.
Moreover, all people want to be loved. It is natural that people prefer a handsome and pretty person. Thus, people are caring care their appearance to be loved. According to the private survey conducted by Seoul National University of Korea, researchers surveyed two groups of people. One group's people cared about their appearnce appearance a lot and another people did not. They did some interviews that judge the people's favor. As a result, the former group of people gained more preferrence preference than the latter. Some interviewers answered that they were attracted more to former group because they had tidy and fancy appearance. This shows the importance of appearance and the reason why nowadays people focus on it.
To sum up, people think the appearance and fashion is crucial becuase because they could find emotional relief and want to be loved. In this regard, I firmly believe that people should focus on their outlooks. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 첫 번째 바디가 주제와 어긋났습니다. 이 에세이의 주제는 요즘 사람들이 외모에 신경을 너무 많이 쓴다라는 내용입니다. 따라서 이러한 에세이를 서술할 때 중요해하는 것이 왜 현재 사회 사람들이 이러한 부분에 집착하는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. 하지만 첫 번째 바디에 있어서는 전혀 연관성이 없는 이유와 예시가 나왔습니다. 좀 더 주제에 맞게 에세이를 서술해주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |