▶ Your Answer : Some people think that young people should get a job related to their parents’ career. However, in my opinion, I think it is better for young people to pick a job other than different from their parents’. This is because young people may have different interests from their parents and want a different job, while also letting young people feel satisfaction for their works. (이 파트가 무슨 의미인지?) To begin with, young people can be different from their parents, and may want to have a career that is not related with their parents. Because people are all different, not many have similarities. This may be the same for young people and their parents. Young people can choose a different job from their parents‘, because their job does not match their interest. (한 절에 their이 두 번 쓰이는데 처음엔 parents, 그 다음엔 young people을 가리키네요. 가독성을 떨어뜨립니다.) Take Willi Wonka from the movie ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.’ (마침표는 따옴표 안으로 들어가는 것이 원칙.) Willi’s father was a dentist, and wanted to make Willi a dentist when as he Willi (대명사가 헷갈릴 위험) grew up. However, Willi loved candy, and did not want to become a dentist, so he left his father and built a factory that manufactured sweets while his father remained a dentist. (이 예시가 이 문단의 주장과 어떻게 연결되는지를 명시적으로 밝혀주세요.) On top of that, young people can feel satisfaction for what they did. If young people had a problem with their job, with the help of their parents, they would be able to solve the problem easily. But, if the young people were to choose a job different from the parents’ job, and came across a problem, the young people would have to try and solve the problem by themselves. This would make young people try to find answers in many ways, and when they find the answer, the young people will feel proud of themselves. For instance, I had a science problem that I could not understand. I tried asking the teacher, I tried thinking about it, and I finally found the answer. This made me feel satisfied, and proud that I had found the answer. (주제와 직접 관련이 밀접한 이야기는 아닙니다. 글쓴이의 주장을 뒷받침하기에는 너무 약한 근거입니다.) To sum up, young people may be different from their parents, making them get the job they want, which may teach the young people to be thankful. For these reasons, I disagree that young people should select a job in the same field as their parents. Writing 0-30 scale Fair(23-25) 문법이나 표현상으로 흠 잡을 데는 많지 않은 글이지만, 논리적 완성도가 아쉽습니다. TOEFL 글쓰기는 영어로 글을 쓰는 능력뿐만 아니라, 논리적으로 주장을 전개하는 능력을 평가하는 시험입니다. 특히 본문 두 번째 point가 글쓴이의 주장을 충분히 뒷받침할 수 있는지가 의문입니다. |