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Some people
argue that (watching) television has positive effects on children's behaviours.
However, in my opinion, (watching) television and movies have (has) more negative
effects (than positive ones). First, it reduces the time (opportunities) for children
to enhance their social skills. Next, it reduces (prevents) children to
(from) improving
their health (through means such as sports and exercise).
Admittedly, more
and more (an increasing number of) universities requires students who
are not only good at studying (smart) but also good at social
skills. In the rapidly changing environment of science and economy, no task can
be done by a single person. Given the need of collaboration, Spending
time to play outdoors provides a setting for children to improve their social
skills, (which is crucial in a society that requires collaboration). Consequently,
spending time watching television or movies would be a waste of time. (why? 좀 더 깊게 설명하세요. 예시가 없습니다)
Next, students
can have (experience) emotional relief by doing
various activities other than watching TV or movies. Many students are weary of
(from) too much
stress (in their daily lives). Thus, as a way to reduce their stress they
could join sports clubs. It has been proven that enjoying regular outdoor
activities such as playing soccer or hiking reduce people's stress (levels). This is
because after (people have finished) having done a rigorous
exercise, (their) muscle tensions relax, allowing people to reduce (reducing) their stress (levels). Moreover,
people can temporarily forget about their worries (daily concerns) more
effectively (by exercising) than just watching TV. (예시가 없습니다.)
In conclusion,
watching TV has negative effects on children's behaviours. It is much better for
children to spend their time to become more sicalised (have more social
skills) and to have emotional reliefs. In this regard, (Through these
reasons,) I believe (watching) TV has (more) negative
effects (than positive ones) on children's behaviours.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment: 주제를 잘 파악했고 글이 주제에 벗어나지 않았습니다. 그러나, 의견을 뒷받침 하는 예시가 없습니다. 구체적인 예시(글쓴이의 경험, 연구)등 선택하세요. 본론의 첫 번째 문단에서는 왜 watching television이 시간 낭비인지 깊게 설명하세요. 문법
오류와 스펠링 오류가 많습니다. 글 쓴 후, 꼭 검토해주시길
바랍니다.