The discussion of the causes of this phenomenon where people live longer has become a prevalent prevelent issue of dispute. People's life style has changed a lot alot compared to centuries centruries before. This essay aims to discover the various causes that prolonged human's life in general.
First of all, the development of medicine and treatement have helped people to sustain their life from danger and disease. Medicines cured many people who are infected by contagious diseases and this prevented people from severe infections. For example, people have suffered a lot from cholera for a long centuries. , however, However, nowadays, nowdays, people are provided with more medicines and nutritions that aid aids them to recover or prevent the disease.
Second, as laws and preventions have developed and people are more aware of ethical issues, there are less probabilities that people would die from acidents or warfare. There are more regulations to prevent people from what? in work places, and as there are is less warfare going on nowadays nowdays, there are less people who are injured or killed innocently. inocently. For instance, during the two world wars, many people suffered from war and were victims. As people are more aware of these problems, people live relatively longer than before.
Next, people are eaten can eat healthy food and are provided with fresher fresh water these days. These nutritions allow people to have a balanced diet and allows people to develop immunity. People realize the importance of "well-being" and proceed proceeds such acts like: consuming balanced diets, drink refined water etc. This lengthened lenthened the life span of general people.
In conclusion, people have accumulated more knowlege in various studies such as alimentation, housing, and medicines. , environment etc. 결론 문단은 본론에 등장하지 않은 새로운 화제를 제시할 수 없습니다. Thus, this provoked people to have a healthier life style and made people to live longer.
Writing 0–30 score scale Fair (17-23)
다양한 근거를 들어 수명연장의 이유를 잘 설명해주셨습니다. 다만 body3의 경우 본론 문단으로 보기에는 분량이 부족한 편이니 body를 두 개로 줄이고 각 body의 분량을 더 보완하는 형태로 글을 다듬어보셔도 좋을 것 같습니다. 근거의 갯수는 점수에 큰 영향을 미치지 않으니 '충분한 설명, 적절한 사례 제시'에 초점을 두고 글을 풀어주는 것이 좋습니다. 문법오류와 오탈자가 아직 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다. ^^ |