The dispute about how to use money wisely is always a prevalent topic of discussion.
Some people contend that people should spend money for traveling and vacationing
so that they can recharge their energy in order to work more productively.
Others believe that people should save money because spending money for
traveling is a waste of money and time. I agree with the claim of the
latter, however, to some extent, I think that people also need
a "break" in life.->토플 라이팅에서는 되도록 Agree/Disagree 중 한 쪽을 선택하는 것이 좋습니다 This essay aims to discuss about the benefits and the disadvantages
that people may gain from traveling and vacationing. First of all, as people feel much stressful due to for
example their works and studies, it is advisable to go on a trip to relieve the
stress that they gain from work. Leaving their work and refreshing their mind
for a short period of time will not only help them enjoy their life, but it
will also help them relax thus, this will make them concentrate on their tasks better. For
example, whenever i am exhausted from work, i take a time off to travel to a
foreign country with my friend or my family. By doing this, it helps me to
regain energy as i do something that i like, rather than something that i am
forced to do. In this sense, traveling is a good method that can stimulate people to work harder
again.(i소문자->대문자로 바꾸기) Next, people learn and gain a lot of new experiences that are
worthy of spending money. When traveling abroad, people greet new people and
accumulate new knowledge. Therefore, i do not think that it is a waste of money, and i
believe that it rather helps people to broaden their sight and life
experiences which can develop them in many ways. For instance, i started to
learn French because i was very fond of the language after the trip to France.
This not only gave me a new insight of a foreign country, but also influenced
my life in many aspects. (i소문자->대문자로 바꾸기) On the other hand, traveling and vacationing may be time
consuming and sometimes extravagant. Before traveling, people spend time to
search for destinations and intinery itinerary. Also, they
may spend unexpected amount of money during the trip. According to my
experiences, as my family consists of 4 members, the expenses are very large. 돈을 saving하는 것보다 travelling 등에
사용하는 것이 낫다-라고 주장하는 것이라면(위 두 근거가
모두 그러한 내용이므로) 굳이 반대되는 내용을 설명하는 데에 한 문단을 할애할 필요가 없습니다.
In conclusion, there are advantages and disadvantages of
traveling and vacationing. It may be time consuming and waste of money despite
the benefits that traveling can give us. In this regard, I believe that
traveling and vacationing are necessary and provides us with valuable experiences. Writing 0–30 score scale Limited-Fair (15-20)
에세이 전반적으로 사소한 오타나 대소문자
실수에 주의해주세요. 에세이가 두 가지를 비교하는 (saving
for future vs. spending for travelling/vacationing) 것이라면, 둘 중 하나를 명확히 선택해 나머지 하나보다 더 나은 이유를 설명하는 데에 집중하는 것이 모호하게 이야기하는
것보다 훨씬 좋습니다. 모호하게 입장을 말하고 장단점을 다 설명하다보면, 에세이의 coherence가 떨어집니다. 또한 지금 spending for travelling의 장점은 잘
설명되었는데, “왜 saving for future보다 나은지”에 대한 비교설명이 부족합니다. 직접적으로 비교하는 문장을 넣어주세요. (~~한 점에서 saving 보다 더 중요하다-) 수고 많으셨습니다^^
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