▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who
believe that schools should teach children art and music as mandatory subjects
along with math, history, science, and language. However, I personally disagree
with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, it is less
stressful. Second, children are too busy. First, having art and music as mandatory school subjects can make
children more stressed. This is because there are already so many subjects
that children should study. If other subjects are added, children will be
extremely stressed and finally the efficiency of learning should be dropped.
According to recent research done by Korea University, the children who
learn art and music as mandatory subjects were stressed more than the others
were who don't. <- Why?
The
research also said that children thought that they don't need to learn art and
music for their future careers. 왜 stress 가 되는지 생각 해보세요. Ex) 학교에서도 경쟁이 존재하고, 좋은 grade 를 받기 위해 많은 노력을 투자해야 하며, 또 다른 경쟁을 낳는다. 이런 과정을 설명 해주세요. Second, children are busy enough to study subjects that are
mandatory now. To explain, children don't have time to study art and music
due to competitiveness of today's society. As time goes by, children study
harder and harder than adults did when they were children. Therefore, it is
waste of time for children to be forced to study art and music. <- main point 가 무엇인가요? Busy 하다는 건가요 아니면
Children 을 많은 과목 배울 능력이 없다는 건가요? Let me bring up my personal
story as an example. When I was in high school, I repeated what I learned every
day. The subjects were mainly major subjects such as math, English, Korean,
science and so on. And when I tried to study the other subjects, I realized that
it was time to go to bed. Finally, I didn't have time to study minor subjects
like art and music. <-
Body 가 말하려는 주장이 뭔지 모르겠어요. Example 에서도 단지 시간이 없다, 잠 잘 시간이다 라고 이야기
하면 설득력이 없어요. In conclusion, having art and music as mandatory subjects not only is
stressful for children, but also not efficient. In this regard, I firmly
believe that children don't have to have art and music as mandatory school
subjects along with other major subjects. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment : Body 1 에서는 왜 Stress 의 원인이 되는지 설명 해주세요. 그
이유/과정에 대해 생각 해보세요. Body 2 에서는 main point 가 뭔지 잘 모르겠어요. Efficiency 면, 왜 student 한테 이런 과목을 배우는게 비효율적인지 설명 해주세요. Example 도 조금 더 구체적이고 설득력있는 예시 찾아주세요. |