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Some people believe that task-oriented attitude
is more important than relationaship(a relationship)-oriented
attitude. However, it seems to me that, good relationship is cruecial(crucial)
for career success. There are two reasons that good relationship supports
people in their field and broads their carrer(career)
field. (이유들을 소개하세요)
For one thing, people could meet good forerunner
in making connetion(connection) between
various people. To be specific, if people have favorable connectionㄴs with their senior, they(the
seniors) could support them to be success in their field.
I will take my friends as an example. My friend graduated in Korean cook
school which has (a)
special curriculum for cooking. She knew many friends and seniors through
participating in a school club. When she was getting a job,
her senior member of shool culb (school
club)recommended her for (to
a) famousr restaurant. Therefore, she had head start
comparing with other friends. This example
demonstrates that maingtaing relationgship (maintaining relationships)
with various people could be advantange for carrer (career)
success.
On to[p of that, having broad relationship
make people to extend their career easily. In general, focusing only one field
makes people would be stuck in narrow view. People(people)
could broaden their eyesight with meeting diiffernt
(different) people who have diverse careers.
For exampel, my brother prepared for
personal business in regard with international
trade. However, he didn't major in business so he didn't know where he would
(could) started. Fortunately, he
came up with his high school friends who studied business in U.S. He asked
favor of his friends to advised him,
and his friends accepted his
request. Therefore, my brother founded his
personal business successfully. This experience shows that unthinkable(단어가 적절하지 않습니다.people who a person might not expect)
peson could make people's career broad.[
In this regrard, i(regard, I)
strongly believe that(that)
relationship- oriented attitude has various advantages to career success. To sum
up, it support people to success more easily and change people(people)
narrow view to extended one.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment: 의견을 뒷받침 하는 적절한 이유와 예시를 선택했습니다. 그러나, 스페링 오류가 많습니다.
글 쓴 후, 꼭 검토해주시길 바랍니다. 문법
오류도 많습니다. 관사가 필요할 때 없는 경우가 많습니다. 예시도
다양하게 선택하세요. 자기 경험 보다 연구 결과, 역사, 인물등 다양하게 선택하면 좋은 점수 받을 수 있습니다.