▶ Your Answer : Various opinions may exist over the argument that universities should spend a lot of money on sports rather than libraries. As far as I concerned, I am in complete agreement with the statement. The idea stated below can be valid evidence to support my view.
First of all, spending a lot of money on sports promotes students to perform more enthusiastically. This is mainly because, compared to the spending money on libraries, when students enjoy sports regularly, sports can develop the ability to students' sense of responsibility responsibilities and communication skills. 대학의 스포츠시설 투자가 왜 학생들의 책임감과 의사소통 기술을 길러주는지 잘 이해되지 않습니다. 너무 많은 내용이 문단에 들어가 있는 것 같아요. 스포츠 시설이 직접적으로 학생들에게 줄 수 있는 혜택과 투자의 당위성을 설명해줄 수 있도록 주장을 좀 더 발전시켜주세요. This can be an effective facilitator which motivates students to participate in their studies with great zeal and enthusiasm. Therefore, these highly motivated students make more effort and feel more responsible for their tasks, which can lead to a better result in school. According to Seoul National University of Korea in 2011, two groups of students showed a difference in academic achievement. Students in group A used the sport facilities regularly regurarly and those in group B did not. The result showed that the former group spent more hours studying by 30 percent and performed better higher than the latter group. Particularly, students in group A followed instructions well, submitted assignments on time, and participated in class enthusiastically. In contrast, those in group B settled for the present and lost interest in their classes.
Moreover, investing inversting money on sports positively affects students' people's mental health. An important reason is that unlike just studying in libraries through books, playing sports regularly reguraly helps students to alleviate their stress. This enables makes a fresh approach to perplexing and stressful problems at school. Therefore, playing sports or using these facilities is are the easiest and quickest quikest way to escape from my the harsh reality of students that is full of piles of work and relationship problems at school. From my experience, expriences, I was exhausted and stressed due to a lot of homework when I was in high school. highschool. Therefore, I always spent my spare time with friends who were in the same soccer club. Through enjoying a soccer, I had a brief moment of relief from my stressful problems by shooting, and passing, and cheering other people. Had it not been for the soccer, I would have been depressed. 스포츠를 해서 스트레스를 풀 수 있었다는 내용만으로는 '학교가 투자해야 하는 이유'를 충분히 설명할 수 없습니다. 학교가 스포츠 시설에 투자해서 학생들이 이렇게 스트레스를 잘 풀 수 있게 해 줘야 한다, 하는 식으로 '학교가 투자해야 함'을 좀 더 appeal 해주세요.
To sum up, I think that my explanations above sufficiently prove the valid reasons for the idea that universities should more invest on sports rather than libraries. Obviously, the significance of learning from sports cannot be overemphasized enough. Hence, in order for universities to acquire these benefits, spending much more money on sports undoubtedly is more influential.
Writing 0–30 score scale Fair (17-21)
학생들의 학업성취도와 스트레스 해소를 위해 스포츠에 많이 투자해야 한다는 주장은 좋습니다. 다만 내용을 전개하는 과정에서 필요 이상으로 많은 요소가 들어가거나, '학교가 스포츠에 많이 투자해야 한다'라는 나의 입장과 연관성이 떨어지는 부분들이 아쉽습니다. 논리 흐름이 매끄러워 질 수 있게 내용을 좀 더 다듬어주세요. 문법오류나 오탈자도 종종 눈에 띄니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. ^^
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