▶ Your Answer :
Due to competitive
society, people have severe amount of daily stress. Nowadays, people are more
interested in how they can relax and relieve their stress in short amount of
time. Some people think that spending time alone is not the ideal way to relax
and relieve their stress, while others do not. Both sides may have their own
reasons. From my perspective, people can get rid of their stress and relax well
when they spend their time alone since they can enjoy their moment more quietly
and freely. To begin with, people can have their own time in a quiet
environment when they are alone. People can hardly get relaxed when there are many people around, since
it is inevitable to get noisy and distracted. + 근데 왜 quiet
environment 은 stress relief 에 효과적인지 설명 해주세요. To be specific,
Harvard Research Center analyzed data from two groups of adults who work in a
company. One group consisted of those who spent two hours alone, and the
other group was made up of those who spent two hours with their friends. The
researchers found that when they went back to work, the former group finished
their duty faster than the latter one. In particular, the first group showed a
longer attention span and a stronger passion in their task, while the second
group easily got distracted. This implies that spending their spare time alone
was a great help on their relaxation and recharging their batteries. 집중력과 Stress 는 연관성이 떨어집니다. Furthermore, people can do anything freely if they spend
their time alone. It is inevitable to do activities that do not want to do
when they are with other people. All of these considerations can lead to an
additional stress. <- Why? How? Let me bring up my own experience. When I
was a student, I had twenty minutes of rest after studying for two hours. I
usually spent my spare time sleeping or relaxing by myself. One day, while I
was reading a book, my friend came over to me and started talking, even though
I wanted to keep reading. After that, I realized that I couldn't relieve my
stress at all, since I didn't spend my time reading the book. This experience
taught me that it is important to spend time alone doing what I want in order
to relax. <- 처음에 본인이 stress 를 relieve 하는 방식은 책을 읽거나, 어떤 일에 집중하는거다 라고
밝혀주세요. 친구들이 놀러오면 이것이 방해 된다 ~~ In conclusion,
people can relax more alone since they can spend their time with less distraction
and intervenes. In this regard, I strongly believe that the advantages of
spending time alone far outweigh its disadvantages. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment : 전체적으로 핵심적인 설명이 부족해요. Body 1 에서는 왜 quiet environment 가 stress relief 에 도움되는지 설명을 해주세요. Body 2 에서는
stress 를 relieve 하는 방식에 대해서 먼저 이야기
해주시고 (위에 코멘트 한 부분처럼) 풀어 설명 써주세요! |