▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who
believe that someone should not infringe upon people's freedom without
exception, while others do not. Both sides have their own reasons to support
their views. However, if I had to choose one, I would say
that someone can sometimes infringe upon people's freedom.
There is a significant reason as follows.There might be some
people who To begin with, when teachers
strongly say their students who really want to go swimming pool
related to a filed trip that you have to go historical
remains, not swimming pool, because it would help you understand cultural
identitiy, it is also an infringe upon students' freedom. However, such advice
from intelligent teachers serves as a tool to help
students improve themselves and to ultimately succeed in their
life. When such advice are well taken, it is likely to bring a
better result. <- 두괄식으로 써주시고, 왜 freedom 을 infringe 해야 되는 ‘이유’ 에 대해 설명 해주세요. For instance, many
researche teams, including the Tokyo Research Team, analyzed two
groups of teenage students in high school. One group consisted of
those who had been restricted with three things, specifically, places where
they study in a school, destination of filed trips, and time that
they have to study in the school, and the other group was made
up of those who had not. The researchers found that the former was more likely
to have a higher score on the SAT than the latter. In particular, the first
group showed a longer attention span, a stronger passion in their tasks, and a
better ability to delay gratification. On the other hand, the second group
tended to get easily distracted, procrastinate, and act on impulse. This
clearly shows that these regulations are the key to success.
Without a force, one would fall behind. <- Example 도 굉장히 억지스러워요. Field trip 선택하는걸로 SAT/distraction 결론내는건 너무 과해요. 심지어 ‘Infringe upon people’s freedom’ 해야 되는 이유에 대한 예시도 아닌거 같아요.
All things considered, I
strongly believe that it must be allowed to sometimes infringe
someone's freedom for the reason in above mentioned above. All in all, the
importance of regulations
cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of success in life. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment : Body 구성 바꿔주세요. Topic sentence 를 먼저 써주세요. 두괄식으로 에세이 써주셔야 독자가 읽기 편합니다. 왜 freedom 을 infringe 해야되는지 생각 해주세요. Example 은 template 에 의존한거 같아보였어요. 주제와 관련성도 떨어졌고, 논리적으로도 무리가 있네요. |