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Some people
claim that it is thinking positively when you fail will not bring any benefits
or encouragement in the future. However, in my opinion, thinking positively
when you fail is very important than succeeding itself for the following
reasons. First, people won't feel stressed as they won't feel pressured to
succeed all the time. Second, having a positive mind is always important in
modern days.
First of all,
people can get emotional relief by not stressing out to succeed in every case.
Nowadays people are wearly(weary) due to pressure that they have on
"succeeding in this competitive society". However, once they think
positively when they make mistakes or fail, they would be as stressful as they were to be.(어색합니다. 다시
구성해주세요) At this moment, I would like to talk about my
personal experience. When I was in high school I was very competitive. I never
wanted to lose in any competition including sports activities or in studies. However,
there was one moment where I faced difficulties because I didn't get an
expected grade. I felt very depressed about it and was stressed out. However, thanks to my parents,(how did your
parents help you? Parents가 이 실패에 대한 관점을 긍정적으로 바꿔야 된다라는 조언을 줬다고 표현하세요) I learned how
to accept mistakes in life and this greatly helped me to temporarily forget
about the problem. Not only that, but it also helped me to better prepare for
the future as I tired(tried) to find solutions to the problems rather than
just getting stressed about finding success. This proves that positively
thinking is very important.
Next, having
positive mind is always important in modern days. This is because d more
and more businesses require people who are not only specialists in their fields
but also are good at social interactions. In the rapidly changing environment
of science and technology, as socai(social) skills is an
important qualification for success, positively thinking will always bring
people to behave in a way that will enhance their social interaction. Clearly,
thinking positivly (positively) and accepting faults and
mistakes will provide a perfect setting for people to improve their social
skills. A survey was conducted to choose with whom people wanted to
retain relationship. Among 100 participants, more than 70% of the
partificipants (participants) answered that they wanted someone who has a positive
mind. The reason was the following: because positively minded
people would accept their mistakes, and because people can confide on
them. Therefore, this proves that positive(positive) mind is more
important than chasing for success.
in conclusion,
the reasons stated above explains why it is important that people have positive
thinking. (이유들을 간단히
요약하세요)
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: 각 포인트들을 잘 연결하지 못했습니다. 본론의 첫 번째 문단에서는 부가적 진술에서 포인트가 잘 전달 되지 않았습니다.
특히, 스트레스 대한 문장이 어색합니다. 다시
구성해주세요. 본론의 2번째 문단에서는 people looking for social people-positive mind makes social people 이렇게
연결하지 말고 people are looking for people with positive minds 포인트
위주로 문단을 구성하세요. 결론에서는 이유들을 간단히 요약하세요. 스펠링
오류도 많습니다. 글 쓴 후 꼭 검토해주시길 바랍니다.