Undoutedly (Undoubtedly),
school uniforms play a significant role in students' daily lives where they
play or study. There might be some people who believe that it is better for
high school students to wear school uniforms, while others do not. Both sides
may have their own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I
would say that high school students don't have to wear school uniforms. There
are several reasons as follows.
-첫문장과 두번째 문장으로의 연결이 자연스럽지 않습니다. 내가 주장하고자 하는 바가 유니폼을 입는 것에 반대라면 첫 문장에서부터 중요한 역할을 한다는 이야기를 굳이 할 필요는 없습니다.
To begin with, when school permit (permits) high school
students to wear any clothes they want, their overall happiness in life
(will be) increases (increased). Dressing up with what they
want enables them to feel confident and thus improve
self-esteem. When students have a high level
of self-esteem, this is likely to bring a better result in school. Let
me bring up my personal example. When my sister was in high
school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting
routine. This is because she had
to wear school uniforms every day, so it made her feel
bored in school life. She even thought that stranger seemed
to ridicule her because she weared (wore) funny
(school) shirt of her school uniform which made her (look)
like (a) turtle girl. Fortunately, the
government implemented new policy that school have (had)
to permit students to wear any clothes. So she could
get over her feeling of depression by dressing well in
the height of fassion. By doing this, she was able to see positive
results she contributed to. Many people around her started to
respect her, allowing her to be more confident, optimistic and strong.
Also, forcing students to wear school
uniforms can hamper them to improve (from improving)
academic performance. When students can't wear school
uniforms because of smear (smell) of uniforms,
they will have difficulty going to school. this can
disturb them to focus on studying, so it can lead them feel stressed
out. When students feel stressed, this negatively affect
(affects) their academic performance. For instance, many research
teams, including the Tokyo Research Center, analyzed two groups
of students in high schools. One group (was) consisted of
those who had weared (worn) any clothes in
school, and the other group was made up of those who studied
with teachers who forced them to wear school uniforms. the
researcher found that the former was more have (had) a high score
on the SAT than the latter. In particular, the first
group showed a better mental health and it could enable (enabled)
them to have a more energy to put into being active
because their teachers didn't strictly regulate them to wear
school uniforms. This clearly shows that with strict regulation of
clothes, students must fall behind.
All things considered, I strongly
believe disadvantages of the school uniform far
outweigh its advantages that for the reasons I have
mentioned above.
Grade : Limited (0-17)
Overall Comment : 전반적으로 주장을 뒷받침하는 의견들이
잘 전달되지 않습니다. 문장 안의 주어 동사를 명확히 구분하고 스펠링 오류와 적절한 어휘를 사용하는
연습이 필요합니다. 또한 한국식 표현이 아닌 자연스러운 영어 표현을 익히시고 문장을 간결하고 핵심적인
내용으로 작성할 수 있게 연습하시길 바랍니다.
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▶ Your Answer : Undoutedly, school uniforms play a significant role in students' daily lives where they play or study. There might be some people who believe that it is better for high school students to wear school uniforms, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say that high school students don't have to wear school uniforms. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, when school permit high school students to wear any clothes they want, their overall happiness in life increases. Dressing up with what they want enables them to feel confident and thus improve self-esteem. When students have a high level of self-esteem, this is likely to bring a better result in school. Let me bring up my personal example. When my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. This is because she had to wear school uniforms every day, so it made her feel bored in school life. She even thought that stranger seemed to ridicule her because she weared funny shirt of her school uniform which made her like turtle girl. Fortunately, the government implemented new policy that school have to permit students to wear any clothes. So she could get over her feeling of depression by dressing well in the height of fassion. By doing this, she was able to see positive results she contributed to. Many people around her started to respect her, allowing her to be more confident, optimistic and strong.
Also, forcing students to wear school uniforms can hamper them to improve academic performance. When students can't wear school uniforms because of smear of uniforms, they will have difficulty going to school. this can disturb them to focus on studying, so it can lead them feel stressed out. When students feel stressed, this negatively affect their academic performance. For instance, many research teams, including the Tokyo Research Center, analyzed two groups of students in high schools. One group consisted of those who had weared any clothes in school, and the other group was made up of those who studied with teachers who forced them to wear school uniforms. the researcher found that the former was more have a high score on the SAT than the latter. In particular, the first group showed a better mental health and it could enable them to have a more energy to put into being active because their teachers didn't strictly regulate them to wear school uniforms. This clearly shows that with strict regulation of clothes, students must fall behind.
All things considered, I strongly believe disadvantages of the school uniform far outweigh its advantages that for the reasons I have mentioned above.
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