▶ Your Answer :
It is of great worth to discuss whether or not students
are more interested in politics than they were in the past. The answer to this
question can greatly vary depending on individual perspectives: while a sizable
percentage of people agree with the above contention, others strongly disagree
with it. As far as I am concerned, I disagree with the given statement because
of individualism and stress. First of all, competition justifies indifference in politics. Modern people are
under pressure that they have to beat their rivals to survive this dog-eat-dog
world. Therefore, people become more individualistic, and they have little time
and energy to pay attention to the matters outside their own benefits, and
thus, being concentrate -> concentrating on politics is becoming less and less important. <- Politics 가 people’s benefit 과
관련되어 있지 않나요? Clarify 해주세요. The prime example of this is my
classmates Young-Hee. When she prepared for school assignment which was
presentation, she was struggle with making was struggling making powerpoint. One day, her
school assignment deadline was same as her election date,
but she did know it but hesitant to elect because she thought participated in
election was just time-wasting activity. 문법적으로 어색합니다. Although she already
recognized the day of election, she was doing her own private duty. However,
nobody told her that she was selfish or something bad word. Most of the people
already understood her because nowadays modern students are busy with their
academic matters. This indicates today’s steep competition rationalizes being
unconscious about politics. <= Example 에서 문법 실수 많이 나왔습니다. 또한 얼마나 바쁜지 설명을 해주셔야되요. 어떤 일들 때문에 election 에 신경 쓸 여유가 없는지 설명
해주세요. In addition, unconditional interests in politics can contribute to creating stress,
which is one of the main causes of physical and mental illnesses. This is
mainly because if they have to considerate to be interested in politics even when they were -> are busy, this would make
them irritated or worried about their unfinished work. Nowadays, students are
tied up with hectic schedules and overwhelmed by enormous tasks at school. <= body 1 과 같은 내용같습니다. Hence, they do not need to
be involved to another struggle. A recent study has confirmed this.
According to HNl, one of the most renowned medical centers in South Korea, it
reported that students in Group A, who concentrate on their own academic
matters during assignment seasons, showed lower cortisol-a stress hormone-than
those in Group B, who had to pay attention to social activity such as politics
and government.
<- 연구결과 만들어낸 티가 많이 납니다. 이런 연구 존재 할 수가 없기 때문입니다. 정치에 관심을 가지면
스트레스를 받고 콜레스트롤 분비 된다는 연구는 없을것입니다. The contributing
factor to the difference in the two groups was that anxiety and worry about the
preparation for several homeworks increased this harmful hormone in body. Interestingly, the researchers found
that those who multi-play both school work and politics often suffered from
various diseases because too much cortisol weakened their immunity. This
indicates that mental fitness can be undermined by being participated in
differing activity. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Fair (17-23) Overall
Comment: Body 1 설명은 좋았습니다. 우리 사회가 competitive 해지면서 정치에 관심을 덜 갖는
idea 는 좋습니다. 하지만 Body 2 에서는 건강에 안좋기 때문에 정치에 관심을 갖지 않다는 논리는 빈약합니다. 왜 현대인들이 정치에 관심이 덜 가졌는지 생각 해보세요. Ex) 옛날에는
정치가들이 경제, 법, 군대 에 많은 영향을 미쳤지만, 나라가 발전하고 민주주의가 되변서 정치가들의 power 들이 줄었다
등등.
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