▶ Your Answer :Various opinions may exist over the argument
whether the things your family members teach you are the most important things you
learn. As far as I am concerned, I am in complete disagreement with the
argument. The two ideas stated below can be valid evidence to support my view.
First
and foremost, there are things that people can benefit from school teachers or
friends rather than my family members. Teacher enable people to uncover
important facts they never knew they had. Modern people are forced to
lead highly scheduled lives as the world becomes more competitive and
fast-paced than ever. Consequently, they are likely to miss chances to delve
into the issues from which they can tremendously benefit. <-이 내용이 왜 필요한가요?또한, 여기서 benefit이 정확히 무엇을 의미하나요? This explains why it is better to
take lessons from teachers in honing potential benefits <-무엇을 의미하나요? that could have been overlooked. According to a survey conducted
by Seoul National University, more than 95 percent of respondents answered that
they were strongly helped by learning from teacher. They also responded that if
it had not been for being tough taught by high school teachers, they might
not have known what to major in college. <-계속해서 benefit이라고만 나타나있어서, 정확히 가족에게서는 얻지 못하지만 교사에게서 얻을 수 있는 것이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다
Moreover,
admittedly, more and more societies require people who are not only specialists
in their fields but also skilled in social interaction. In the rapidly
changing of environment science and economy, no tasks can be done by a single
person. Given the need for collaboration, social skills and team spirits are
necessary for qualifications any successful person. Clearly, having a time
with friends for friendly relationship gives people the perfect settings to
enhance their social skills. By playing soccer with the many same ages, for instance,
people can develop a sense of belonging and unity, both of which may prove to
be vital in building a more promising future. ->social skills는 가족들이 가르쳐주지 않는 것인가요? 구분지어주세요. (친구관계에서 얻는 부분이 가족들에게서 얻을 수 없는 부분임을 강조해줘야, 주제에서
말한 “가족들이 가르쳐 준 것이 인생에서 가장 중요한 교훈이다”는
것을 반박할 수 있습니다)
Taking
all of these reasons into consideration, we should disagree with the statement
since it is there
are more important things that can learn from the teachers and relationship with
friends better that learning from teacher
can uncover people’s potential
benefits and doing with friends would improve social skills. There is no doubt in my opinion that the things that school teachers
and friends teach me are the most important things I learn will benefit my
future more.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited(13-16)
기본적인 문법실수가 있는 편인데, 문장에 동사가
없는 등 의미 자체를 파악하기 어렵게 하는 부분들이 있으므로 이에 꼭 주의해주세요. 내용적으로 설득력이
많이 떨어지는데, 불필요한 내용들이 일부 있고, 가족들이
아닌 교사/친구들로 부터 얻는 교훈들이 더 중요하다-라고
주장하는 것이므로 그러한 교훈들은 가족들이 줄 수 없어야 합니다. 명확하게 비교가 되면 더 좋겠고 benefit과 같이 모호하게 나타내기 보다느 구체적으로 언급해주시는 것이 더 뜻이 잘 전달되겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |