▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that in order to
tackle obstacles facing us now and in the future, comprehending the past is
crucial. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two
subsequent reasons. First, it isn't helpful.<-이는 주장입니다. “왜” unhelpful하다고 생각하는지-가 근거가 되어야합니다 Second, comprehending the past is just waste of time.<-앞의 first와
무엇이 다른가요? 이 역시 주장입니다
First, comprehending the past is not helpful to solve
problems of now and the future. <-주장입니다 This is because, the world has changed so
extremely that solutions for obstacles of the past is just old-fashioned.<-이 문장이 근거입니다. 근거를 한 문장만 제시한 뒤에,
바로 사례가 나오는 것인데, 근거 자체에 대한 일반적인 설명을 충분히 해준 뒤 이를 뒷받침하는
용도로만 사례를 이용해주세요Let me bring up my personal
story as an example. When I was in high school, I had some problems caused by
my schoolwork. After several trials in order to solve the problems by myself, I
finally asked my father to give me some proper advice. Although he gave me very good advice from his
experiences, I couldn't solve the problems effectively because the grading
system has changed so much. Therefore, it took so long time to overcome the
obstacles. -> 여기서 끝나지 않고, 예시를 제시한 뒤 본인의 핵심 근거와 연결시켜 다시 마무리
해주는 문장이 있는 편이 더 좋겠습니다.(따라서 과거를 가지고 현재의 문제를 해결하는 것은 불가능하다)
Second, trying to understand the past is just waste of
time. <-주장입니다 To explain, people do not
have time to study the past due to the competitiveness of today's society.
Besides, there is usually insufficient information and data of the past, so
it is hard to find adequate solutions from the past.<-이 내용이 근거가 되는 것이 더 적절하겠습니다(즉 현재/미래를 해결하는 데에 도움이 될 정도로 과거에 대한 정보가
충분하지 않다.) According to a research done by Korea University, researchers said
that finding solutions from the past in order to solve problems of now
and the future usually takes longer time than just trying to solve them by present ways. This
clearly shows that comprehending the past in order to overcome obstacles of now
and future is not efficient.
In conclusion, not only can comprehending the past
not be helpful, but also is waste of time.<-주장입니다 In this regard, I firmly believe that it is not necessary to
comprehend the past in order to tackle obstacles facing us now and in the future.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17-22)
에세이 전체적으로 표현들이 자연스럽고, 실수도
거의 없습니다. 다만 내용적으로 근거가 제시되어야 하는 부분에서 에세이 주제에 대한 본인의 주장이 들어가
있는데, 이 부분만 바꾸면 훨씬 좋겠습니다. 또한 사례, 통계자료가 제시되기 전에 본인의 근거를 왜, 어째서 그러한지 충분히
설명해준 뒤에, 이를 뒷받침하는 정도로만 사례를 이용해주는 것이 적절합니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |