▶ Your Answer :
One of the most important features of modern society is
the development of transportation such as car, subway, and airplane. Most of
the people living in developed nations have been benefit from the accessibility
to these transportations, especially from cars, which is most widely used. In spite
of the fact that almost everyone in developed countries takes advantage of cars
regardless of their financial state, I think airplanes have affect society more
than cars. My view is based on cultural and medical.
Culturally, citizens of the world
became to share their lifestyle. In other words, world started to be united. Without airplane, there is
no way to come across the Pacific in a day or check out if the tastes of Mc
Donald cheeseburger are same in each country. Due to globalization, People wear
clothes and eat food which hadn’t come from their own culture. For example, Koreans wear jeans and
eat pizza for lunch checking the message at iPhone. Globalization has naturally
permeated into and finally took over our society so that now we feel the word ‘globalization’ friendlier than the word ‘tradition’. <- 내용은 좋아요. 이것이 왜 중요한지 에 대한 설명 한문장 더 써주세요.
Medically, transferring bacteria or virus from one
person to the multitude became easier, making the world vulnerable to pandemic
disease. The airplane not only carries patients from one place to other, but
also the wind coming out from in-flight ventilators convey germs to other
passengers. If the person who is infected to a disease visit other countries
rather than just stay in their own place, the disease couldn’t be limited in a national boundary. For
examples, SARS started to spread out to the whole nations when the first
infected man participated in the academy where people came from numerous
countries of the world. It is not that weird thing to see a person in Asia who
is infected by a virus which lives only in Africa. <- airplane 에
대한 언급을 해주면서 이야기 해주세요. Ex) virus 는 전염성이 많이 강하고, 가장 크게 전염되는 과정은 감염자가 다른 나라를 입국 할 때 이다. 이것은
airplane 을 통해서 된다 ~~
In conclusion, though cars have changed the lifestyle of
society, it is finally the airplane which bound the whole nations together. Due
to airplane, every person in each country got to share their life whether it is
positive of negative.
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: 전체적으로 idea 좋습니다. Body 1 에서는
왜 sharing lifestyle 이 중요한지 에 대한 언급을 해주세요. Body 2 에서는 germs 이야기 보다는 airplane 에 대한 언급을 중심으로 해주세요. |