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In modern days, most of people travel by either cars or
airplanes, depending on how much distance they have to cover. Such invention of
transportation mitigated the restriction imposed on people with extremely long
distances since our legs are too fragile relative to the size of the landmasses
surrounding us. However(반대 하는 아이디어나 포인트가 없습니다.), I assert that the overall impact that the cars have
given to us is much greater than the airplanes have given to us. (이유들을 소개하세요. This is because, the reasons are…)
Firstly, cars are much more accessible to the majority than
airplanes. Normally, if we walk out in the streets, what we see most frequently
will be cars passing by but we do not usually see airplanes running around in
the streets. Considering the price of an airplane ticket, the price of taking a
taxi is certainly a mere fraction which is the main reason why cars are more
accessible to the public. Also,
while anyone in the society can obtain car driver’s license, becoming a pilot usually
requires years of professional education and arduous trainings.(디테일을 생략하세요.) Thus, I claim that cars have had greater impact on
society since not so many people can have access to airplanes considering its
price and complexity of permission to legally drive one. (구체적인 예시가 없습니다.)
Secondly, despite the fact that the airplanes are much faster
with higher passenger capacity, I assert that the cars’
influence on the society is much more significant. Historically, cars were
invented earlier than the airplanes did which means that cars were the first
advanced transportation that facilitated faster movement of people and ideas. Although airplanes could travel
more distances and was not subject to waters (cars can’t drive
through the sea)(디테일을 생략하세요. 에세이에 디테일을 괄호
안에 표현하면 안 됩니다), cars were the first to provide
people the freedom of traveling relatively long distances independently and
quickly. Therefore, I suggest that cars have more significance in society
because it was invented earlier, providing many freedoms to people prior to
airplanes. (구체적인 예시가 없습니다.)
In conclusion, I claim that cars have much more impact on society
than airplanes because cars are more accessible to the public and cars have
more historical significance considering its time of invention along with what
the invention had provided to people.
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: 표현력이 우수합니다. 각 포인트들이 이해하기 쉬웠습니다. 서론에 글쓴이의 입장을 주장할
때 however 표현으로 시작했는데 반대하는 아이디어나 포인트 가 없습니다. However를 생략하나 도입에 반대 의견을 표현하세요. 각 본론에서
구체적인 예시가 없습니다. 불필요한 디테일을 생략하고 주장에 대한 설명(논증) 2-3문장, 구체적인 예증 자료(언론보도자료, 연구결과, 나의 경험담 등을 주장과 연결지어서 제시) 3-5문장 정도로 분량을 정해주세요.