In
society, it is debatable as to whether great people should try new things or
dangerous things. Some people may argue that successful people should do what
they already know how to do well. However, I disagree with the argument. I
think that successful people should take on new challenges even if they’re dangerous.
This is because it increases
a sense of confidence and they will be able to develop their own a
sense of accomplishment.
First of all, doing new(things)increases
your own capabilities and bolsters confidence. In addition, it supplies us with
intriguing situations. Through taking on new challenges, great people achieve
sagacious accomplishments. It is reported that many
successful people prefer changing work. They research and achieve their own views
so that many people can come to respect them. This character endows us with
a positive effect and helps us achieve creative thoughts and actions. We
need to (build) a sense of confidence to face the difficulties of (in)
study and work in order to gain our own goals. As an example, former
United States President Abram Lincoln dealt with the North and South going to
war, which divided the two regions. Although the environment was tumultuous, he
made an effort to unite the two reasons (regions). As a result, the two
regions settled their differences. Thus, it follows that we will be able to
overcome difficult situations by knowing we can win.
On top
of that, the important thing is that
surmounting difficulty takes boosts a sense of accomplishment.
Sometimes, we dislike risk because it leads to difficult surroundings and it
may increase fear. However, if we overcome it, we will develop our own sense of
achievement. It strengthen one’s mental and physical state. According
to a survey conducted by Stanford University of Leadership Department about
factors of success. The research monitored two groups. One group who faced challenging
(challenge) which should (be) achieved the difficulties working fields and
dangerous things when we have difficult work. (?) His challenging
(challenge) resulted in a sense of confidence. Another group was satisfied (with)
what they achieved. The result was intriguing. After several years, one group
of respondents became successful and they felt a better sense of
accomplishment. This showed that through a sense of achievement, they would
succeed in other work fields, and many colleagues respected his (their)
great achievement. In addition, after several years, they worked as a manager
despite the difficulties of competition. This research demonstrates that in
order to become successful, we should make an effort to act on risk.
In
conclusion, although we do new things and encounter difficult work, it
supplies us with a sense of confidence and a sense of accomplishment. For these reasons, I strongly
argue that it is better that we should overcome difficult things
(difficulties) and challenge ourselves with new things in order to become successful people (succeed).
Grdae : Limited (0-17)
Overall Comment : 전반적인 문맥의 흐름상 에세이가 아니라 논설문으로 쓰인 것처럼 구어체적 표현이 많이 발견되었으며 문법적 오류가 있습니다. 적절한 어휘가 사용되지 않았고 내용과 예시가 명확하게 전달되지 않았습니다. 또한
문장 내 주체가 어느 것인지 통일되지 않고 일관성이 없어서 표현력이 떨어집니다.
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▶ Your Answer :
In society, it is debatable as
to whether great people should try new things or dangerous things. Some people
may argue that successful people should do what they already know how to do
well. However, I disagree with the argument. I think that successful people
should take on new challenges even if they’re dangerous. This is because it increases
a sense of confidence and they will be able to develop their own a sense of accomplishment.
First of all, doing new
increases your own capabilities and bolsters confidence. In addition, it
supplies us with intriguing situations. Through taking on new challenges, great
people achieve sagacious accomplishments. It is reported that many
successful people prefer changing work. They research and achieve their own
views so that many people can come to respect them. This character endows us
with a positive effect and helps us achieve creative thoughts and actions. We
need to a sense of confidence to face the difficulties of study and work in order
to gain our own goals. As an example, former United States President Abram
Lincoln dealt with the North and South going to war, which divided the two
regions. Although the environment was tumultuous, he made an effort to unite
the two reasons. As a result, the two regions settled their differences. Thus,
it follows that we will be able to overcome difficult situations by knowing we
can win.
On top of that, the important thing is that surmounting
difficulty takes boosts a sense of accomplishment. Sometimes, we dislike
risk because it leads to difficult surroundings and it may increase fear.
However, if we overcome it, we will develop our own sense of achievement. It strengthen one’s mental and
physical state. According to a survey conducted by Stanford University of
Leadership Department about factors of success. The research monitored two
groups. One group who faced challenging which should achieved the difficulties
working fields and dangerous things when we have difficult work. His
challenging resulted in a sense of confidence. Another group was satisfied what
they achieved. The result was intriguing. After several years, one group of
respondents became successful and they felt a better sense of accomplishment.
This showed that through a sense of achievement, they would succeed in other
work fields, and many colleagues respected his great achievement. In addition,
after several years, they worked as a manager despite the difficulties of
competition. This research demonstrates that in order to become successful, we
should make an effort to act on risk.
In conclusion, although we do new things and encounter
difficult work, it supplies us with a sense of confidence and a sense of
accomplishment. For these reasons, I strongly argue that it is better
that we should overcome difficult things and challenge ourselves with new
things in order to become successful people.
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