▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that living in a traditional house is more
helpful to stay psychologically stable psychological stability because it is a of a familiar place.<(이 문장을 질문의 주제를 바꾸고 있습니다. 질문은 그저 어떤 집을 더 선호하는지 물어보고있습니다. 어느집이더 정신적 안정을 주는지에 대해서는 묻고 있지 않습니다) However,
in my opinion, I think it is better to live in a modern apartment building.
This is because most modern apartments are located place near downtown and do not need to
care about management. <(apartment do not need to care about management는 어색합니다. 다른 주어를 써주셔야합니다)
First of all, living in a modern apartment provides people
with convenient accessibility <(accessibility to what?). This is due to the fact that most modern apartments are located around the city to solve population density. Thus, people spend less time commuting time and gain a more leisure time. Therefore, people enjoy their
leisure activity by using diverse facilities of the city. For instance, when I got a
job at downtown, I have to move suburban in the modern apartment <(??). There were a
lot of convenient facilities such as convenience stores, fitness centers and
grocery markets. After working, I regularly went to went regularly gyms near my home. Also, since there
were public transportation systems like subways and buses, I can manage my time
well. These advantages made it possible for me to experience a variety of activities.<(내용 정리를 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
On top of that, people feel free to manage their house when
they live in a modern apartment. <(feel free라는 표현은 주로 누구한테 허락을 줄때 사용을 합니다.) This largely results from the fact that manager<(what manager?) always stays in front of the apartment as well as unmanned camera installs everywhere anywhere. For example, my older brother is really busy because of workforce. Although he does not have time to care about his their house, the employment helped the apartment's atmosphere to keep
clean, received delivery product on time and even fixed the electronic problem which he asked. <(고용이 도와줬다 라고 하시면 표현이 많이 어색합니다) Also,
security systems were well equipped around the apartment. In this sense, it is so convenience
for people who are too much busy for their lives. <(convenient how?) For example, my sister does not have time.<(so what?)<내용 연결이 안됩니다> I do not worry about my management of my house.
All things considered, the modern apartment allows people to
improve their standard of living in terms of location and management. In this
regard, I prefer living in an the apartment to living in a traditional house.
Score: Fair (17~20) Comment: 문법상 어순에 주로 틀리시고 계시며 틀린 표현이나 잘못 쓰여진 표현이 있습니다. 또한 내용 정리가 잘 안되어 있어서 repetitive하게 들리는 부분들도 있씁니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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