▶ Your Answer :
As the world is becoming complex and
specialized, most parents are worried that educating children is a more
difficult task today compared to the past because they spend their time on cell
phones, online games, and social networking Web sites. However, in my opinion, I
believe educating children today is not as difficult task as parents think for
two reasons. Spending time in the on online world is good for education and it also helps
children relieve their stress.
First, children can rather get a better quality
of education by spending time on cell phones, online games, and social
networking website. This is because there are many opportunities for children
to learn valuable knowledge and indirect experiences through online. They can
search new things and can get better and more knowledge on smartphone
application or Web site. <paraphrase를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용의 본론은 repetitive합니다) For example, my nephew, Tom, bought a brand new cell
phone. At first, his parents were really worried that he might not concentrate
on his studies because of his new cellphone. However, his grade was skyrocketed after he bought the a cellphone. This is because he usually watched online lectures everyday during exam periods through his cellphone. Also, he could easily search
new things he wanted to know and finally he could get an answer. Therefore, it
was so efficient for Tom to study alone.
Second, these children's activities can act as
a tool to relieve their stress coming from their school. These days, children
live in a this competitive world, so they have loads of work to do. This leads them to So they often
feel down and stressed out. However, by spending their much time on using
cell phones, online games, and social networking Web sites, they can relieve
stress coming from their school work. This is evidenced by a medical study,
conducted by Seoul National University, that can clearly show that activities
like playing games and using cell phones have a good effect on relieving
children's stress and also increasing mental health dramatically. The
researchers divided children into two groups. One group was not allowed to use
cellphones, and the other group was allowed to use it. They found that the former
group was more likely to get stressed easily and surprisingly they got a lower
score on tests in school compared to the latter group. This result indicates
that regulating the use of using cellphones have a negative influence on mental health in
children and then it consequently leads to a bad performance on their school work.
To
sum up, I believe cell phones, online games, and social networking web sites do not cause more difficulty in educating children today than the past because these technology actually helps them to get better education as well as relieve stress. educating children is not a more difficult task today than it
was in the past because they spend much time on cell phone, online games, and
social networking Web site for two reasons: good education<(broad. good education는 인터넷을 통한게 아니라 그저 일반적으로 좋은 교육을 받았다 가 될 수 있습니다) and relieving stress.
Score: Fair (21~23) Comment: 내용은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 글정리가 필요합니다. 또한 가능 하시다면 summarize를 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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