▶ Your Answer :
When people discuss whether children should learn
art and music subject as mandatory subject in school, they should first
consider the role of the school. Generally speaking, the school's task,
especially elementary school, is finding the student's intelligence and talent.
In this regard, the artistic subjects should be requirement subjects in the
school for children for the following two reasons; first, it is important for
children to identify that what kind of intelligent they have, and second,
learning art and music develops children's creativity.
To begin
with, school should educate art and music as well as other kind of mandatory
subjects such as math, history and science to children because the children
don't know what kind of intelligence they have. To be specific, some may
have intelligence of drawing, the others may have high performance of playing
music instruments. It is essential for the children to know their talent as
soon as possible because the more they start to focus on developing their
intelligence, the more the chance of success is increased. ‘Intelligence’
이라는 표현 보다 ‘Potential’ 이 더 적절한거 같습니다. For example, Beethoven, the most successful
composer in the world, started paying piano when he was 5 years old. Moreover,
many other successful artists and musicians found their outstanding intelligence,
and then start improving the talent very early. <= 그래서 학교가 이러한 talent 을 발견 하도록 도와줘야
된다. 라고 본인 주장 한문장 더 써주세요.
Although it is important for children to find
their intelligence, naysayer may assert that focusing on basic subjects such as
math and science is more crucial for the children. 두괄식으로 main point 써주세요. ~~ can foster creativity. They
argue that learning the basic subjects early is beneficial for the
children to get a job in the future. However, many global corporations today
such as Samsung and the Apple require their employee to have more creativity,
and the fact that the creativity can be enhanced by learning art and music is
unassailable. Therefore, learning art and music as soon as possible will
provide more opportunities to get a job. Creativity
를 어떻게 키울것이고, 이것이 왜 중요한지 설명 해주세요. 단지 취업에 좋다 보다, 어린아이들에게 왜 창의력이 중요한지 더
고민해보세요.
In a nut shell, learning artistic subjects in
school is helpful for children to find their intelligence and improve
creativity. Consequently, school should provide art and music course
compulsorily for children
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment : 전체적으로 아이디어는 좋았어요. Body 1 에서는 potential
이라는 용어 꼭 써주세요. School 에 대한 이야기 (function)
도 해주세요. Body 2 에서는 두괄식으로 topic
sentence 써주시고, 보충 설명 더 해주세요. 위에
코멘트 꼭 읽어주세요.
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