▶ Your Answer :
There might
be some people who believe that young people need exercise more than the
elderly do. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two
subsequent reasons. First, elders can relieve their stress by doing exercise.
Second, elders can make good relationship by doing exercise.
Firstly,
elders can have be relaxed from
a successful
retired life by doing exercise. This is because the old people can relieve
their stress by doing exercise. To explain, elders want to concentrate on their
own life. This means that they don’t want to think about complicated things such as worrying about
their children. Therefore, exercise could be a good way to forget their complicated
problems. Let me bring up my teacher’s story as an
example. When I was attending a high school, I have had close relationship with
my one of high school teacher. He was in 60s and he was preparing for retirement had to retire the job. Before he retired, in his last class,
he said that he wants to focus on his life and he does not want to think
about complicated things anymore. Just after he retired the job, he has started
the golf and he still lives successful life. This means that exercise is good
way to have a successful retired life.
Secondly,
they elderly can have a good
relationship with other people while doing exercise. This is because most of
sports need teamwork or rival and they can have conversation with players in
other side or same side. Also, if they play popular sports to young people,
they can play with their grandchildren. According to recent research done by
Korea University, 70% of respondents said that they have
experience which is making friends by playing sports at club. This is clearly
shows that doing exercise is good way to make good relationship.
In
conclusion, exercise is good way to make good relationship and good for having
a successful retired life. In this regard, the elderly need exercise more than
young people do.
채점기준표
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Grammar
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Contents
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Example
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Coherence
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점수
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3
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4
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3
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3
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Score
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Fair 18-21
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내용에서는 elderly 와 doing exercise 의 상관관계는 잘 밝혀주셨네요. 다만 주제문의 요지는 제대로 파악하지 못하신 것 같아요. 왜 younger people과 비교하였을 때 운동이 older people 에게 더 중요한 가를 함께 대조해주면서 근거를 밝혀주셔야 합니다. 예를 들면 older people은 younger ones 에 비해 strength&health, passion,
interest 등이 더 약한 점을 들어 운동의 필요성과 함께 서술하여 주세요.
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