▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that parents should
not set strict rules for their children if they wish to see their children
succeed in life. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two
subsequent reasons. First, parents can provide their children better ways
easily. Second, children don’t have time to
learn from their failures.
First of all, parents can suggest their children better
ways to succeed in life easily through setting strict
rules for them. This is because parents experienced
the same period with their children, so they can give their children a lot of
appropriate advice. By the advice from their parents, children can go through
better ways in their life with saving their time.<-이 내용들이 중요한 것이 아니라, strict rules를
통해 이러한 것을 가능하게 한다-는 말이 필요합니다 According to a recent survey done by Korea University, a
majority of successful leaders said that their parents were very good advisors,
so they can succeed socially by following their advice. They also responded
that by their parents’ advice, they can
easily find right ways to succeed in their life, so they can prevent themselves
from losing their ways. ->advice라고만 표현되어 있는데, 주제가 strict rule에
대한 것이므로, strict rule의 형태로 advice를
해 줄 수 있다는 말이 꼭 들어가야합니다. 그렇지 않다면 주제와 관련성이 떨어져 off topic으로 보일 수 있습니다.
Secondly, it is waste of time for children to experience
what they don’t need to do. <-즉 setting strict rules가 아이들이
불필요하게 실패를 경험하며 시간을 버리는 것을 prevent할 수 있다는 것이므로, 주제에서 제시한 setting strict rules와 연결시키는
내용을 꼭 넣어주세요. To be
specific, children have many things to do for their work, so they don’t have time to fail. Although it is important
for people to challenge and learn virtues from their failures, it is not
efficient because there is an easy and fast way to learn; their parents. Let me
bring up my uncle’s personal story as an example. When
he was a child, he had hard time to think what to do for the future. However,
once he asked his parents advice, they suggested him a good way and
finally, he got an answer. Now he is doing his career very pleasantly as a
doctor.<-위의 문단(첫
번째 근거)과 무엇이 다른가요? 그리고 말했듯, 핵심은 setting strict rules입니다
In conclusion, parents’
rule not only can provide their children better ways, but also prevent their
children from failures. In this regard, I strongly believe that parents should
set strict rules for their children’s success.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair(17-22)
기본적인 문장력이 좋으신 것으로 보이고, 문법적으로
실수가 없어 좋습니다. 다만 내용적으로, 근거를 설명할 때
주장과 직접적으로 연결시키는 말들이 들어가야 off topic이 아닌 것으로 보입니다. 현재는 부모의 advice의 중요성-등을 설명하는 데에 에세이의 많은 부분을 할애하고 있는데, 중요한
것인 advice가 얼마나 중요하냐-가 아니라, setting strict rules가 어떻게, 왜 이러한 것(장점들)을 가능하게 하는지-를
설명해주셔야 합니다. 또한 두 근거가 상당히 유사해보이는데, 좀
더 구분되는 내용이면 좋겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |