▶ Your Answer :
Some people believe that grandchildren cannot get helpful advice
from grandparents. However in my opinion, grandparents can help grandchildren
by giving useful advice. There are two reasons; First, grandparents experienced
diverse situations. Second, grandchildren can feel relaxed by talking to
grandparents.
First of all, grandparents experienced a variety of cases by living
their life. Due to the fact that grandparents already had problems and solved them, grandchildren can gain a good advice. You never
ignore grandparents` experience. I believe experience is one of the most
essential factors of success. By talking to grandparents and gaining their
experiences, they can not only get diverse indirect experience but also broaden
their horizon of the world. For example, my brother had a problem about his
business. When he was in a trouble because of the financial burden, my brother
talked to our grandfather about the problem. My
grandfather also had done a business when he was young. Grandfather gave my
brother advice based on his experience. Thanks to the advice, my brother solved
the problem. (experience, grandparents, advice 단어들을 너무 반복적으로 사용하는 경향이 있으십니다. 다른 표현들로 대체하는 연습을 하세요.)
Second, grandchildren can relieve stress by telling talking with grandparents. Having the outlet for
stress has meaning in itself since it can help regain energy and find the strength to go on. People nowadays have pressure not only
physically but also mentally. It can help people get back on track after
talking about their problems with grandparents. For example, there was a poll
conducted by the Board of Korean Welfare, with 500 young people as respondents.
The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about the effects of communication concerning
stress in today`s society. The majority of respondents ranked talking to grandparents over others. An overwhelming
78% replied that they can feel relaxed and comfortable when they have
communication communicate with grandparents.
This was because young people feel more comfortable to grandparents than
others, even parents. This survey demonstrates grandparents help grandchildren
through only communication.
To sum up, grandparents` experience can be helped help young people. Moreover, grandchildren feel
relaxed and comfortable through communication with grandparents. In this regard,
I firmly hold that grandchildren can gain useful advice by grandparents.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
22 |
Overall Comment: |
Good. 템플릿 활용을 잘
하셨어요. 다만 위에 지적을 해 드렸듯이 같은 표현을 반복적으로 사용하시는 습관을 고치셔야 할 것 같아요. 추가적으론 문법 오류가 좀
있으니 위 지적사항들을 참고하시길 바래요. |
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